Had anyone had the nerve to tell me I would be married a year ago, I would either have slapped them silly or laughed in their face. There was NO WAY I was ever going to make such a grievous error in judgment again as to pledge my life and my heart to another man. After all, six times I had tried, had given it all I could, and six times I failed miserably.
I had, in fact, sworn off monogamy, marriage, commitment and all things related. I had declared my true feelings, that marriage was an evil created by men to control women and that God did NOT approve of what men had done with something he had intended to be a joyous and sacred event. I was NEVER going to participate in such an evil activity again. I was never going to lose my own identity or sign over rights to my person again. I didn't care about the religious ramifications or anything else. Marriage was wrong, it was evil, and that was that.
I tried to pursue my new belief system. I dated a few really great guys. I met a few others. I also met some total creeps, but the radar was on and I identified them as CREEPS, which was a marked improvement over my previous experiences. I referred to myself as the ice princess as I just couldn't seem to warm up to anyone with anything more than friendship in mind. One or two men tried kissing me and it was an immediate termination of contact - or close to it. I just wasn't interested in any type of a physical relationship either. I could only imagine myself alone for the rest of my life. I did not have dreams where I shared my life with anyone in any type of committed way, unless it was a business proposition.
And in the midst of all this, I found my best friend. He was struggling with his own trials, concerns, and questions. We could talk about anything because we were looking for a friend and nothing more. I asked him for advice and his thoughts on some of the men I was seeing. He talked to me about advice he was being given. He told me he had been advised to get out and meet people.
My response? "Cool! Come hang out with me more! I know lots of people and I am always fun!"
He didn't take me up on it then. And that's okay. We still talked and shared and were friends and it was all good. I continued on with my life, he continued on with his and we were a really good support system for each other.
We had been acquaintances for years. The differences in our ages had kept us from being much more than that, but my mom and his dad always kept us up on each other. We knew the same people and had plenty to talk about. When I was faced with some health issues that I knew he would understand, I asked him questions about them. We had exchanged Yahoo information and would send messages back and forth.
It was easier just to spend time together, so we would get together here and there when our work schedules allowed it. We walked together. It's easier to exercise with someone else, and it gave us more time to talk. It wasn't a romance, but I found myself more and more attracted to this man who was so open and honest with me on so many levels. And he made me laugh and listened so patiently and... well, all I had to do was see him and the smile started from the inside and came out. Even so, he was young and handsome and had so much going for him, I didn't believe we would ever be anything but good friends. And I had a mission - I was going to help him find his true love so he could be happy.
I finally took him to a singles dance. I stood at the door with him and said something like, "See. These are women. I'm sure you can remember what to do with them. Now, into the fray, my friend!"
A couple of the ladies there were obviously interested and he was obviously shy. I pushed, prodded, and cajoled and he danced. But, quietly, he saved the last dance for me.
That didn't even clue me in. I knew I wanted to spend more time with him. I knew I was happier when I was with him than at any other time. I knew I was comfortable with him no matter what. I just didn't see that I could be what he would want.
A few more walks and talks and hours and something happened. We met at the Riverwalk. We planned to go on the Riverwalk because I had always wanted to, but had never had the opportunity and he worked close by there. It would be the ideal for us to go for a quick walk and then he could go to work. But there was a secret I never told him.
For some time I had known that there was a reason I wasn't making it to the Riverwalk. I knew somewhere deep down that I would finally go on the Riverwalk with the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I figured I would probably never actually see the Riverwalk. But he showed up. And we started walking.
And then something amazing happened. John held my hand. I was in heaven. I had been hoping for awhile that something like that might happen at some point. The day before I had, due to some really serious stupidity on my part, been certain that he was never going to speak to me again. Now he was holding my hand and we were walking along as comfortable as ever and talking and talking and talking like nothing had changed. That was a good sign!
We were walking along and sat down on a bench. We talked politics. We talked religion. We talked about everything just like any other time. I told him how pretty I thought it was under the trees. And then he kissed me. Just like that.
WOW! I didn't even want to run away. It was lovely!
And ever since then my life has not been the same. We stayed the best of friends and I was able to discover a true and honest love. There were no secrets. There were no lies. Because we had all those months and years to fall back on, there was no reason to hide anything. We could work together, play together, laugh together and cry together.
And John was ready to get married. I was not.
The thought made me ill. I didn't mind the idea of sharing my life with him - every aspect of it - but I couldn't stand the thought of getting married. It was evil and wrong and would destroy the most wonderful, beautiful and blessed relationship I had ever had in my life. I agonized over it. I would think about it and know I couldn't do such a thing.
We talked about it. I thought if he caught me at a weak moment and we just did it, perhaps I would be okay with it. Then I knew my family would struggle with such a thing and that would cause problems in the long run. I discussed it with my daughters and they made it clear how they would feel and what their reaction to such an event would be.
I knew I didn't want anything fancy when I did marry him. I knew that it would have to happen sooner or later out of the love and respect I felt for him. I knew I wanted to be with him and nobody else. And I was so afraid that it would destroy everything we had at the same time. And I mean atomic bomb destroy!
We talked about it some more. In detail. How marriage really meant so little any more. How terrified I was to go through all that again. How this and that and the other. And how would we do it. Who would we have perform the ceremony. How would it affect all the children. What would we do to put a blended family together. Would it ever work?
I agonized over my children. I agonized over his children. I agonized over the trouble with all the children. I asked him repeatedly for advice. I didn't always like what he said. I expressed my concerns about our families. I asked him if he thought it would really be worth it. I asked him question after question and expressed concern after concern. And he stayed with me through it all and supported me with more love and patience than anyone will ever know.
Most of all, I asked him if we could always be best friends no matter what. That was what I was afraid of losing, my best friend.
I guess when something deep down says you are soul mates, when your spirits touch in ways I had never even been able to imagine possible, then it's easier to stay friends.
Finally I was convinced. I didn't want anything traditional. I didn't want anything big. I just wanted something nice, quiet, and private. Something out of the ordinary, for what we share is something out of the ordinary, but something that would be enjoyable.
I love the clouds. John found me one day this summer just to check on me and see if I was okay because there were no clouds. He knew how much I loved them! The other thing I love is the sunrise. Sunrise is my favorite time of the day. It touches me every morning as I watch the sunrise. It is the promise of a new day, of new joys, and of life.
So, it followed, I wanted to be married at sunrise - at dawn.
While I wanted this to be something simple, I also wanted some significance to it. I started looking at days that had significance. For romance, there's always Valentine's Day, but that was far too cliche for me. So, to start my new life, and with my loving husband's approval, I opted for dawn on New Year's Day.
We had the building reserved, the arrangements made with the Bishop, and had made contact with most of the family - the only ones to be invited.
But, as is always the case with me, things did not go as planned. On New Year's Eve it all got changed.
Due to a series of events beyond my control, my wedding was changed from the family breakfast at the city building where we could throw the east doors open and I could be married in the first light of dawn while wearing my pajamas (and, yes, I was serious about this) to Golden Corral where we would open them up at 8, have the ceremony, and then eat and visit right there.
Sound insane? It wasn't. It was a most beautiful and wonderful morning. We were still in the east room - closest to the sunrise - and it was hard to tell when sunrise was because of all the clouds that joined us to celebrate. My whole family was there along with a couple of extras that I will claim and all John's family made it except his oldest sister and his two oldest children.
Even my favorite sister-in-law and her husband made it down. That was a fabulous surprise at the last minute for me! Monica and I had been very good friends when we were in college and I had told John that I would want her to be my witness if she was going to be there, but it hadn't sounded like she could.
We had a wonderful wedding cake with peaches and strawberries in the center and whipped cream frosting, which we all enjoyed. And then my kids all came up to the city office to play games.
There was a pinata - teaching Doxford to hit it was fun - and the kids all had games and toys and candy. My two youngest step-children (does that make me the evil stepmother?) helped my husband decorate the car. It was a relaxed and enjoyable day.
Overall, I had the perfect wedding on the perfect wedding day with the perfect family. No complaints here!
And as for my fears? Stupid ideas! My husband is still my best friend! We still laugh together and cry together and talk about everything.
