From being the Mommy to being the Evil Stepmother...

I consider myself to have four wonderful step-children. This is a challenge since it seems none of them are willing to consider me as such at this time. Not only that, it puts me in a position where I am dealing with too many past demons - theirs and mine!

You see, my loving and wonderful John has been married twice before. While this is nothing to my six, it has left him with two lovely former spouses and all the baggage such relationships bring. He had two children with each wife - well, kinda - so it seems that it would be perfect. My children are 24, 21, and 19 from my first batch. His are 20 and 21. Then the second batch mine are 14 and 10 to his 9 and 11. Sounds groovy, right?

Don't I wish!

His older two children were so damaged by the divorce and other stresses that they are no longer speaking to their father. That was a choice their mother encouraged when they were 13. A little young to decide to completely cut contact with their father, but things were as they were.

The two younger children have a mother who is still very much in contact with the older daughter - a means by which they can commiserate and conjoin in their negativity - and who will look you in the eye and lie. Lie - big time - like a dog.

Yuppers. Pretty difficult for me to handle. Even more difficult for him to handle since honesty is a big part of recovery for him while only an ethical and moral issue for me. I despise lies and liars and wife number two has lied directly to me. Wife number one I have only heard stories about and seen the aftermath of. It's disgusting to me that one person can set out to destroy another so thoroughly!

Why it should surprise me, I'm not sure. After all, how many liars, cheats, and thieves have stolen what was mine in so many ways. It makes me sad to realize how much he has endured at the hands of these women.

So, here I am thinking I can help smooth things over. After all, Julie and I have a great relationship, I think, even though we had a rough start. Why can't I share my expertise and experiences?!?! This would, theoretically, create the desired win-win situation.

Let me tell you why...
FIRST: The other party or parties must be willing to listen.
SECOND: The other party or parties must be relatively sane and reasonable.
THIRD: The other party or parties must be willing to communicate openly and honestly.

Get the picture? This is NOT going to happen any time soon.

So, in the meantime, I am thankful for the time I have with my two younger step-children, who are absolutely beautiful and a joy to have around, and I am ever so grateful for John, who makes all the stress worthwhile!

Mixed blessings, eh?!

Today is an angry day...

I usually try to stay upbeat and positive, but today is an angry day. I am furious as I face more time off work. My sixth surgery didn't go so well, so I can't see again. I'm scared to death that I'm looking at another six months out. I will have spent more time out of work and homebound than Steven will spend in jail. Where's the justice there?
Sometimes I wish I would have taken up some of the offers I got to see him taken out. But I trusted the justice system.
A justice system that is not just. There's a shocker.
I wonder what the judge would think if he was in my shoes. I wonder if he would have taken it so lightly. Or the police officer for Logan City. Officer Boehme - the man that made up his mind to find nothing from the first time I spoke with him. I wish he would lose his job - especially if he has a family he's trying to support. Then maybe he would take his job more seriously next time.
If it had been drugs THEN there would have been a sentence. Wish they had tested him. Wouldn't have been a surprise to find out it was more than alcohol in his system. It's so tempting to just leave a few gallons of everclear or vodka or peppermint schnapps where he could find it and I could pray he would just drink himself to death.
Not like me much at all, eh?
I am just feeling alone, abandoned, afraid - nothing terribly wonderful. I think I need to find my headphones and put myself out. A good guided meditation might help my attitude. I can't even describe the despair I am feeling right now. Real despair. I would rather die than endure this torture again. I wish I could call the doctor and tell him to undo everything he did to me TODAY - NOW! I can't afford this. Mentally, physically or financially. I just don't know what I'm going to do next.
Everything I want is right here, right now, and I could lose it all because of that monster. The one that walks free on the street every day.
I know I'll survive because I refuse to allow him to destroy me. Even so... today is a painful day - an angry day...

Talk about errant writers...

So, guess there's not much to say. I have been working, working, singing, working, storytelling, writing, and working some more. I just can't believe I haven't kept up in here!

NEW GOAL: Write at least one blog a week!