Could it be possible that someone could honestly be that stupid? That's my question for today. I just can't fathom being so out of touch with reality and people to know that you are obviously causing pain. Is it that she doesn't realize? That she is too stupid to see? Or is it, as I have always thought, that she takes such incredible joy in seeing my suffering.

Once, when she was complaining and I'd had enough I blew up at her. She was whining, yet again, about her husband and how he wasn't doing what SHE wanted him to do. SHE wanted him to quit working and stay home and take care of her and the house and the yard. To Hell with the bills she was running up - she has always been running up - she wanted to be waited on. I'd had enough of her whining and total unrealistic view.

I finally said to her, "Why can't you be thankful for what you have. He works hard to support you and to take care of you. I, on the other hand, say goodbye to my husbands toes as he snores on my way to work and say good night to his snoring body when I get home after work."

She heard my misery. She knew I was unhappy. So she laughed. She laughed and laughed and laughed like I had just told the funniest joke ever. My unhappiness - my fatigue - my depression - my sorrow all brings her the greatest of joy, so why should I assume she just doesn't understand what she's doing. That she's too stupid to realize?

She knows, She's cruel through and through, Cruel and sly as a fox. She's wicked in ways that one only sees if she isn't careful. She's abusive and cold and heartless. Most days I really wish I could hate her, but I can't.

She's my mother.

She's a demoness without measure and she's my mother..

Just what does that make me?

Mother's Day blues...

Being a mother is not a rewarding job for me. I wish it was. I've dedicated the majority of my life to being Mommy. I did that with the idea that I had not been lied to my entire life.

"Grow up and have babies," they said. "It's the most glorious calling a woman can have," they said. "You will find it the most rewarding experience of your life," they said.

I wish someone had told me the truth. That was NOT it! Yes, I grew up and had babies. I was even 22 before I had my first. And I had four more after that one. There was something in there that said it was worth it. Right now, I'm not sure what that something was.

The truth? The truth is this - should you choose to have children you will destroy your physical health, destroy your  mental health, have everything you ever owned destroyed and end your life alone and destitute. That's the truth.

So today I celebrate Mother's Day. There's nothing really celebratory about it for me. I have played mother and father to five children. I have done my best. I have bled for them - literally. I have cried for them and with them. I have worried and wondered and prayed and done everything in my power to give them a life that was better than mine. I have tried to teach them, coach them, help them, raise them and encourage them. They have broken my heart more than any other being or entity and destroyed my body more than I realized at the time.

Even so, I do have moments when I am overcome with the miracle that life is. Okay, so there's good points to being a mother, too. Some of the most joyous moments I've had have been with my children and my grandchildren.

And hope springs eternal.

No, motherhood has not been a glorious, edifying, joyous endeavor for me. I feel insecure, scared, worthless, ineffective, and more like a failure as a mother than anything else in my life. Even so, it was worth it when I see my children succeed. When I know they are happy. When I see the mothers that my daughters have become. Those are the times when I am overwhelmed with a deep joy that can be brought on with  nothing else.

There are many things I would change if I could. Having my children is not in that list.

There's a song that so describes so much of my life that comes from the musical movie Lost Horizon. One line of that song is, \ "If there's no pain, can I be sure I feel life?" Well, I"m living. There's not doubt!

Weekends worth having...

For some time now I've been working weekends. Well, that was until I had my surgery and couldn't work at all again. I actually did 40 straight days of work without a day off earlier this year. It was worth it when I got the paychecks, I guess, but I was sure stressed and felt like my brain was mush.

I would, occasionally, take a day off on a weekend to go and play with my friends. I had lots of friends and I enjoyed the cookouts, dances, and social activities. I was enjoying life like I had never enjoyed life before and I remember thinking that life couldn't get much better!

Ah, but never underestimate the power of miracles. It got MUCH better!

Then, in April, I reconnected with an old friend. It was an interesting experience, discovering that we knew each other. Neither of us was really thinking that anything further than a good friend would come from it and I had already told him that I was not interested in getting involved ever again, but I would be happy to introduce him to my friends and get him involved with our crazy activities.

Never say never, as they say.

Suddenly, I found myself more and more involved in getting to know him better. I felt a peace I had never known. I was not self-conscious around him, but he could look at me and wink and I'd blush. I was happy and my friends could see it. I was really fighting against the idea that I was going to ever be involved with anyone again and I didn't even mention him for quite awhile.

Then I started to talk about the guy I was seeing.

Then I started to refer to him as my boyfriend.

Finally, I gave in.

I call him Bird. He is my life and my love and I am happier than I have ever been. I just can't get married. It's too painful and complicated. Some days I wish it wasn't that way, but I just can't get past the fear yet.

Now I have weekends that make me glad I have weekends. We do family activities. We spend time with his youngest two sons and my two boys and the house is full of crazy teenage antics and brotherly arguments.

I am at peace.

Over Labor Day we went to Evanston, Wyoming to see my family of choice after spending some time with my older children and family members. We overcame some obstacles with that, and had a mighty good time with my two boys and his granddaughter (who I also claim) in Wyoming. We went to the park and saw the bison after touring the visitor's center. We also went to the "rock shop" and looked at fossils.

Thomas has decided he wants to dig fossils and "split fish" some time. I'm not sure he has the self discipline, but he could surprise me!

This weekend, we took my two boys and went to Idaho to visit Bird's folks. They have a lovely place out in the middle of nowhere. My boys had fun getting to know their new grandparents and the surroundings there at the lake. They rode ATV's and we had campfire chat and lots of yummy food! It was so relaxing and enjoyable!

When it was time to come home, we didn't want to. NONE of us wanted to come back, including the teenagers!

We have a trip planned in a couple of weeks back to Wyoming and another trek to Idaho before the end of next month. We do chores together, we play together, we are a family - all of us!

Now I know why people look forward to the weekend, but I don't want to go back to work. I guess that's coming soon, though...

Inside the sack...

So, I finally did it! I opened the big, intimidating, white gift bag. I found 12 presents, all numbered, and opened five. It's been so fun so far!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to whoever it was that decided to make my Christmas a little brighter! I am loving this and am so thankful someone thought of me.

Who knew?!?!?!

Ever looked at your own reaction to a single moment and realized just how strange it was?

I did. It created a moment of deep understanding for me of myself. Not a bad thing at all, but I realized somewhere I needed to do some work. I didn't realize the residuals of fear could follow one through the course of healing, but apparently it has happened. I will get better only because I have now recognized the totally emotional reaction to a single moment in time so I can now address the issues beneath that reaction.

If only I could recover from the distancing of myself from everything and everyone cycle, I'd be great! And so many of those good folks believe they know me. Today, I'm not sure I really know myself!

Guilt and Shame are evil! Just sayin'....

I went to Salt Lake on Thursday. It was a lovely trip and I was blessed to have three lovely ladies and my best buddy with me for the trip down and my best buddy with me for the trip back.

Sometime I'll have to tell you about my best buddy, just not right now. For one thing, it would take me completely off-track and for another I just can't pick the words to describe him. So, I will save that for another time. Let's just let it suffice to say he is a fantastic friend and we spend a great deal of time together!

Anyway, I arrived home about midnight. All I wanted was to go to bed. Really. I knew I had about four hours before I had to get up and get ready for work and I wanted to go to bed. But there was something on my front porch.

Now, when I say something, I don't mean something with teeth and fangs, although the way I'm reacting it may as well have, I mean just something. It was large and leaning against my front door.

A beautiful white Christmas gift bag.

And that something was large - very large for its particular breed! I figured it was something that some kind soul had left for my family. Perhaps I should say 'for my children' since most people take one look at me and immediately start to pity the poor little darlings. It's a good thing, too, or they would have gone without far more often than they have!

So, I walked up, grabbed the bag, unlocked the door, and went inside. Figured it wouldn't hurt me to look at the bag, but that's when the problem started.

There are three tags on the bag. One states, "The twelve days of Christmas an elf brings to you. Open 1 gift per day."

The second I will address is the one that came attached to the bag. It remains unscathed and quite unproblematic as well.

It's the third tag that has thrown me into fits of guilt. It says, "Leah, Merry Christmas!

"This is to show you how very special you are. You go out of your way for so many this just a small token of appreciation. Not for the family, just for you."

Since Thursday I have slept with this bag on my bed. I have peeked into it but have been unable to open a single gift. I have cried about it, I'm so very touched that someone actually thought of me so highly. And I feel completely unworthy for such high praise.

I am going to try and open something. It's not what's inside the bag that has touched me so deeply, it really is the thought and I don't want to destroy the reminder that somehow, somewhere I may have made a difference to someone who needed it.

There are little moments in our lives when the sound of one voice can make a huge difference. I used to start my days praying that I could touch just one life in the way God needed me to. I saw that happen many times and I have always been blessed with everything I needed and more. I have tried to serve others, even if it means smiling at someone driving past me. Yup, I've scared more than one person grimacing out a bus window at them - until I add a friendly wave!

In my efforts to serve others, I have rarely felt that I have done enough.

I guess that's where the guilt comes in. I have nothing for my children. The boys don't seem to mind and the girls aren't around to notice. I don't have anything I can give to anyone else, either. I can never give enough to make up for all the blessings I have been given. Why would anyone want to "reward" me for doing nothing?!?!

Roses and presents all in the same week. I'm not sure how to react. I'm not sure what to do or to say. I guess I can just be gracious and say, "Thank you" to all those who care so much for me and take care of me and my children. Some day I will pay you all back for all that you have paid forward to me! One way or another, I will succeed!

"Because I have been given much, I, too, must give."

What a day!

I have come to the conclusion that I am just too forgetful!

I got up yesterday at 5:30. I didn't have to work. I didn't have anything pressing. I just couldn't sleep. Even so, I never made my 8:45 appointment. How does that happen? Let me tell you -  you just have to be ME!

I learned YEARS ago that time, for me, is irrelevant. It just goes its own direction and I have no control over it and it is definitely NOT on a stable flow. One minute can seem to last hours and then an hour was over an hour ago and it doesn't seem possible. This confuses me, so I just chose to ignore time. I still have moments when I think, "Where did I lose THAT ten minutes?"

So, I guess, knowing that, it shouldn't be a surprise when I forget to do normal things regularly. Things like taking the prescriptions that keep me alive every day instead of just whenever. Things like eating, sleeping, finding the bathroom. Yes, I can forget every one of those things for hours!

Yesterday was a very forgetful day for me. I forgot to watch the clock. I forgot the things I was supposed to be doing. I forgot which direction was up. I forgot how important it is to get some sleep. Real sleep.

When Thomas asked me what was for dinner was when I remembered I was supposed to eat. Then I got in the car and started driving and almost forgot again! We ate in Centerville because I can't pass up the In-N-Out Burger if it's open. It's very rarely open when I pass through there, however, so no worries that I will single-handedly keep In-N-Out in business!

I forgot my water bottle. I never forget my water bottle, but I had left it in the car I usually drive and forgot to grab it when I got back to the car. I was miserable, but I made it. It meant I went a whole day with no green water, however. Not a good thing for me.

I forgot that I really needed to find the little girl's room when I got to Salt Lake. I was so intent on getting through traffic that I just forgot. I remembered when I was on my way home. I even stopped - in Ogden.

And then there was sleep. I looked at the clock, after it had passed the midnight hour, and I realized I had been up since - yes, you remember - 5:30 on Saturday morning. I remember when it first hit me and then it became a game. How many hours has Leah forgotten to sleep this time?!?!?!?! Just for the record, I did not make it to 30 or past 30, I only made it to about 21.

I do have to work today. I think I'll hurry and take a nap now!