Mother's Day blues...

Being a mother is not a rewarding job for me. I wish it was. I've dedicated the majority of my life to being Mommy. I did that with the idea that I had not been lied to my entire life.

"Grow up and have babies," they said. "It's the most glorious calling a woman can have," they said. "You will find it the most rewarding experience of your life," they said.

I wish someone had told me the truth. That was NOT it! Yes, I grew up and had babies. I was even 22 before I had my first. And I had four more after that one. There was something in there that said it was worth it. Right now, I'm not sure what that something was.

The truth? The truth is this - should you choose to have children you will destroy your physical health, destroy your  mental health, have everything you ever owned destroyed and end your life alone and destitute. That's the truth.

So today I celebrate Mother's Day. There's nothing really celebratory about it for me. I have played mother and father to five children. I have done my best. I have bled for them - literally. I have cried for them and with them. I have worried and wondered and prayed and done everything in my power to give them a life that was better than mine. I have tried to teach them, coach them, help them, raise them and encourage them. They have broken my heart more than any other being or entity and destroyed my body more than I realized at the time.

Even so, I do have moments when I am overcome with the miracle that life is. Okay, so there's good points to being a mother, too. Some of the most joyous moments I've had have been with my children and my grandchildren.

And hope springs eternal.

No, motherhood has not been a glorious, edifying, joyous endeavor for me. I feel insecure, scared, worthless, ineffective, and more like a failure as a mother than anything else in my life. Even so, it was worth it when I see my children succeed. When I know they are happy. When I see the mothers that my daughters have become. Those are the times when I am overwhelmed with a deep joy that can be brought on with  nothing else.

There are many things I would change if I could. Having my children is not in that list.

There's a song that so describes so much of my life that comes from the musical movie Lost Horizon. One line of that song is, \ "If there's no pain, can I be sure I feel life?" Well, I"m living. There's not doubt!