Updates on my grandson, Doxford...

I am so far away from my sweet daughter and her incredible husband and their sweet baby boy. It is too far!

When I heard what had happened, I immediately left and took the next two days off so that I could be in Murray with them. I was so glad I had made that decision as those kids were dealing with so much! TOO much for such a young couple so newly married!

Now I am forced to be home. After all, as my mother so caringly pointed out, I do have OTHER children at home. And other responsibilities. My house is a mess, I've already missed too much work this year because of my own injuries, and my car registration expires today. That's just the beginning! What is next?

Well, they finally did a barrage of tests on little Doxford yesterday. Last night I was notified by my daughter that they are certain of brain damage, but the nurse practitioner wouldn't tell them how much or what kind. Now Katrina is worrying that it is severe and that's why they have to talk to the specialist.

And through all this I'm over 100 miles away and helpless!

I just can't get uptight. I'm trying really hard! I slept last night, had some strange dreams but I slept. I feel such a calm in my heart and soul that I do not believe there is anything major wrong or anything that can't be overcome! Too much points to a positive outcome.

So far, they know that the liver was damaged but the doctors are sure it will and is recovering. The tests for kidney, heart, and lung problems are coming back positive. The EEG - measuring brain activity - returned with "minor abnormalities" so why would I believe that the brain damage is severe? I just can't. It doesn't equate to the results coming back on everything else.

I wish I could express to my kids just how I feel and why. They don't need me right now, though, because they have each other and this is just another hurtle they can take together.

They all are such in need of prayers and positive energy.

I'm the GRANDMA!!!`

Doxford Roger Bascom made an early arrival on June 23, 2009 - five weeks before we were expecting him! He was five pounds two ounces and 18 inches long. He is struggling and fighting with the help of his Mommy, Daddy, the medical personnel and the prayers of friends, family, and strangers!

Going through this week has been challenging, at best and I will write more about it when I've had some sleep...

Why did I wait so long?

Truth be told, I looked and never even tried, the Dreamweaver "chairs" at Summerfest. They were incredibly interesting to me and very tempting, but I was afraid to even sit in one. And for some reason I decided this was the year. I was not only going to try it, I was going to buy one!

And four times on Friday I went to their booth to buy one. And four times they weren't there.

I had decided the fates were just against me and it wasn't my year after all when I suddenly had time on my hands when they scheduled my Saturday afternoon shift due to heavy rain. And I went to Summerfest in the pouring rain with no umbrella just for my chair. And they were almost completely packed down, but happily unpacked enough that I could get what it was I wanted.

I had studied the website in preparing for Summerfest (http://www.dreamweavershammocks.com/) and had considered colors. I was psyched to buy and did so without ever trying the product. I also put off putting it up - since the hooks were already installed, a five minute project - until Sunday. Perhaps I still felt slight trepidation at sitting in a woven chair.

This is the best thing I have done for myself in ages! My boys are fighting me for time in the chair. After sitting for hours in a broken bus seat last night, which caused me extreme pain from my waist to my ankles, I came home and sat in the chair in the dark with the cool breezes blowing on me, and I relaxed.

And I slept better than I have in ages without the leg cramps and problems I usually have at night. Interesting!

That's the best Father's day present I ever gave myself, even if I am the Mom!

A few moments of silence...

It has been rare, but is becoming more common, that I get a few moments of silence at my house. With more than half my children gone - how does one halve five? - and the two left here all the time being busy and active, I find I get a few moments of silence to think, to relax, and to process on occasion. I enjoy these moments!

I just thought I'd share this one with you.

Ahhhhh.......

The frustrations of court...

The court system is bogged down. It's a given. And the former Cache County Attorney, George Daines, did us no favors when he stepped down. If he had been interested in what was best for Cache County, he would have either NOT RUN or FINISHED THE TERM HE VOLUNTEERED FOR.

But, enough of that.

I was assaulted on October 27, 2008. My first court date was January 28, 2009. That was only three months and one day after the assault. Seemed a little drawn out for something that was pretty cut and dried, but... And he was offered the plea deal and turned it down and then his attorney asked for a few more weeks to prepare.

A few weeks turned into March 17.

So almost five months after the fact, the preliminary hearing was held. The evidence was presented and the judge felt there was enough to formally charge him with the assault, but was unclear on the laws on the other charge. So, we moved to another court date - April 20.

Now we have hit nearly six months and the prosecution has been mixed up because of the situation Mr. Daines left behind and somehow it got overlooked and the second charge is dropped and they have offered the plea deal for the third time and he has turned it down for the third time.

And the judge sets the jury trial for June 5. And I can see a light at the end of the tunnel seven and a half months after the incident.

And Steven can't get along with his attorney and wants a new one.

And we are reset for May 11 with instructions to Steven what he needs to do.

And I have discovered an address so I can FINALLY file for divorce. Note - April 20 this occurs. He will have 20 days to respond or I will be granted my divorce by default once he is served.

And I show up the following week to find out if he's been served and discover that he was served on April 25 and 20 days will land on my birthday - the day I turn 45 I can be given MY name back - best birthday present ever! YES!

And I show up for court on May 11 and check with the clerk and Steven still has not responded - three more days to wait!

And in court, the judge did not get the required documents, even though Steven turned them in to the courts on April 29, according to the stamp on his letter to the judge, and he had also delivered copies to his attorney and the prosecuting attorney's office. And it is continued for one week.

So on May 18 I check in with the clerk concerning the divorce and am told that the judge wants information that I don't have access to. I write a response to the judge, requesting that he grant my divorce and explaining why I have no access to the information, but referring him to both the protective order and the criminal case.

And I go to court. And my advocate is on vacation and the advocate that was supposed to take her place is stuck in her office on another case and I am there all alone.

And Steven and his daughter come in and Steven sits RIGHT BEHIND ME! Yeah. RIGHT behind me.

And the docket is longer than usual and taking longer than usual and my stress levels are out of this world and I can't get the bailiff to look at me so I can let them know that Steven is NOT supposed to be that close to me and I am hearing him breathing in my ear and I looked around the room.

And I noticed that the six bailiffs in the room were armed. And I paid attention to the myriad of video cameras that are all the way around the room. And I figured that if he did anything to me there he was really in trouble. And I started doing deep breathing and calming myself down and - well, to make a long story short - I'm still alive! And HE moved. Only one row back and still directly behind me - but he moved!

And he is given a new attorney and the jury trial on June 5 is cancelled and another pre-trial hearing is set for June 15.

And I am still married. And this STINKS!

And I check back with the courts on May 20 and on May 22 and on May 26 and all they know is the judge still has the divorce papers and nothing has been done.

And on May 27 I go back in and my friend, Rachel, who works for the court is all grins! "I'll go grab it," she says, and I know it's done!

Ends up the papers were signed one week after I turned 45 - May 21, 2009 - and I am now legally single! This is a day to celebrate!

And again I show up in court - this time with my advocate - and Steven sits on the other side of the room and nothing has changed.

Same plea deal - turned down for the fourth time - and the jury trial is set for August 28.

A jury is - at this point - scheduled to hear this case TEN MONTHS AND ONE DAY after the incident.

WHERE IS JUSTICE???

I have been a prisoner in my own home and he has been running free - he has never done a minute of jail time for what he did to me - and nearly a year goes by before I can put closure on this?!?!?!?!

Now I can attempt to enjoy my summer while wondering what game he will try to play now.

I will update in August - believe me!

And don't get me wrong, I appreciate the court system and what they are trying to get done for me! It's a sad thing that the courts are so overwhelmed with prisoners and problems. It is also a sad commentary on the system when this has to be done to protect the defendants rights - and the "victim" is re-victimized by the very entity that is trying to protect and defend them.

I am just holding on to the hope that it will all be okay in the end!

The overwhelming excitement of internet dating sites.

It's a horrible sign of desperation when one starts actually looking at online dating sites. Says too much about who I hang out with and where, eh?

I have, so far, completely crossed two out of the running. TRUE and eHarmony. Both for different reasons and yet for the same. Both are interested in collecting money and neither is interested in providing the goods and services promised. Poor customer service isn't a way to run any business!

Others are expensive. Some are just filled with folks that make sure you KNOW why it is that they are on an online dating site! My friend, Roger, showed me that from the women he'd been getting messages from. (Don't worry, Roger is real and a friend for over 30 years who is really awesome!) In fact, it was because of Roger that I decided to try this and see what appeared.

Don't get me wrong, Roger and I are proof there are real people, good people on these sites, but finding my ex-husband's profile (while we were still very married - the papers hadn't even been filled out, much less filed) on MATCH was a shocker!

It also showed how much "screening" was actually done. His entire profile was filled with lies from the number of marriages to the number of children to the amount he has to file taxes on to his career. Now, every time I read over a profile, I wonder how much of it is real and how much is some man's delusions of grandeur!

I'm starting to think they had it right in previous generations - castle balls are professed to work on occasion and the town matchmaker may have been more of a service than recognized!

Hmmmm.... Information super-highway, you are creating some speed bumps! The closest thing to a castle ball I've seen online is the Dee's Dances webpage!

The hurt in my heart...

I got work yesterday that my friend had passed on. It was a shock as he was far too young to have made that move and I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it.

The rumors were circulating by today. Rumor had it that he had taken his own life. The feelings that have flooded through me over the last 24 hours are really amazing. I cried. I drove and I cried.

There was denial. Like I said, he was far too young. And then to hear he had possibly done this to himself was too much. Denial came back again and again as I fought to accept that this might be a possibility. He was such a happy person, so full of life. How could he be gone?

I got angry. Over six months of my life are gone. Six months taken by a controlling monster who nearly killed me. Six months that I was unable to interact with this man who I have known for over 20 years along with all my other friends. WHY? Why this week when I have to drive past the stop where I have picked him up for the last four years time and time again? Why has nothing been done to the man who kept me from enjoying the last seven months of my friends association? Yes, I got really angry on many levels.

Joy that I had been able to share a little piece of my friends life.

Deep sorrow. Very deep sorrow as I considered those still left behind. His family will feel the loss even more deeply and intensely than I have. My heart hurts for them.

The confusion of what could have brought this wonderful man to a sad end. I remember many years ago the despair. I have felt it at various times in my life. But, as I reflect now, I am so amazed at the blessed life I have lived. I would have missed so much had I given in to that despair.

My emotions have run the gamut. I'm sure it will continue. I will miss my friend. Missing him and knowing how much more his family will miss him is what has caused the hurt in my heart.

Someday, my friend, I hope to see you again!

Friends - family of choice?

I have a wonderful family of origin, for the most part. It is a rather small family, especially for where we live, but it's nice enough. I have pleasant memories of my grandparents - the ones I knew - and aunts and uncles and I was fortunate enough to have a really awesome father who was my best friend when I was a teen and beyond.

Perhaps it is because my family is so small that I have been so willing to "adopt" other family members. They are my family of choice! Sometimes, like our "real" family, I choose to "disinherit" some of my extraneous family members. And, like all relationships, there is an ebb and flow to interactions and such.

Even so, I am incredibly blessed by the family of choice that I have! I could never have made it through the last 20 years without the incredible friends I have.

Many of my extended "family-of-choice" members are young people. I have been called Auntie Leah and Mom by more young people than I could ever have imagined! On many occasions I have looked over a group of younger folks after hearing "Auntie Leah, Auntie Leah" and have thought I have more nieces and nephews than people with LOTS of brothers and sisters, and I have none!

There are also the nieces and nephews that were "legally" mine during marriages I have kept. I love them, even if I'm not still legally tied to their families and I love to see them grow. I appreciate that they will, for the most part, accept me as still a part of their family, too!

My children's youngest stepbrother, who passed away from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, accepted me as his "step mom" just because. That really was sweet and touched my heart!

The most difficult loss of my last divorce were my three "grandchildren" and their family.

So my life is filled with the beauty and energy of young people, even if it may be from afar, as they come into my family of choice realm.

There are some people in my family of choice that would be closer to my own age. Friends I have had for something close to forever. Some are like brothers and sisters, some like cousins, and some might even be former spouses, but all are family. I love them and appreciate them all and they add joy to my days on this planet.

Some of my favorite people in my FOC are those older than me. These are people I have learned from who have enriched my knowledge, confidence, and life without realizing how much they mean to me. One of my favorite people ever was Hazel Hancock who was a second mother to me for so many years!

Some of these people were parents and grandparents of my friends and some were people I had the joy of meeting and connecting with as an adult. These are people I admire and respect. These are people I go to for advice and support. These are people I hope to emulate in some way and I hope to have some influence on those younger than me, as they have influenced my life in a positive way.

I have discovered that my "family" of choice is as crucial to me as my family of origin - sometimes even more crucial. I love them all - even though I don't get to spend the time with any of them I'd like to. Life has moved on and we have all moved on. Some have even passed on to - what I hope is - a better place.

I just want to say THANK YOU ALL to my family - my family of origin and my family of choice!