The hurt in my heart...

I got work yesterday that my friend had passed on. It was a shock as he was far too young to have made that move and I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it.

The rumors were circulating by today. Rumor had it that he had taken his own life. The feelings that have flooded through me over the last 24 hours are really amazing. I cried. I drove and I cried.

There was denial. Like I said, he was far too young. And then to hear he had possibly done this to himself was too much. Denial came back again and again as I fought to accept that this might be a possibility. He was such a happy person, so full of life. How could he be gone?

I got angry. Over six months of my life are gone. Six months taken by a controlling monster who nearly killed me. Six months that I was unable to interact with this man who I have known for over 20 years along with all my other friends. WHY? Why this week when I have to drive past the stop where I have picked him up for the last four years time and time again? Why has nothing been done to the man who kept me from enjoying the last seven months of my friends association? Yes, I got really angry on many levels.

Joy that I had been able to share a little piece of my friends life.

Deep sorrow. Very deep sorrow as I considered those still left behind. His family will feel the loss even more deeply and intensely than I have. My heart hurts for them.

The confusion of what could have brought this wonderful man to a sad end. I remember many years ago the despair. I have felt it at various times in my life. But, as I reflect now, I am so amazed at the blessed life I have lived. I would have missed so much had I given in to that despair.

My emotions have run the gamut. I'm sure it will continue. I will miss my friend. Missing him and knowing how much more his family will miss him is what has caused the hurt in my heart.

Someday, my friend, I hope to see you again!