What to believe?

For some time now I have struggled with religion. Just last night I was expressing to my friend that I have too much respect for the religion in which I was raised to make a mockery of it by pretending that I want a temple recommend. I don't feel secure enough in my belief system to want that. The last time I tried going to the temple for more peace of mind, it didn't work. I didn't feel anything and I didn't find any answers and it was really a let-down.

Giving it the benefit of the doubt, perhaps I was expecting too much. Maybe it was my fault and my mindset that left me empty and not the teachings, beliefs, and sharing of the temple. Either way, I have not yet felt any burning desire to return.

And I think I know why!

I have been pondering different points of religion. I do that quite often and anyone who has kept up on my posts is well aware that I do have religious undertones and overtones in some of my views. But I have not felt confident or comfortable with LDS teachings for some time. Sometimes I really think it is trying to separate the doctrine from the culture and the people. Sometimes I think it is the doctrine itself.

This week, for some unknown reason, I began another journey to understand Lilith. Is she real? Is she legend? Why is it that ancient civilizations recognized her but modern ones are far less likely to? Why is it that Lilith was vilified and by whom? Who would benefit from this? And why was she finally almost completely removed from modern scripture?

Ask almost any of my LDS neighbors about Adam's first wife and you will get a look of incredulous disbelief that anyone would have an opinion that Eve and only Eve was the one! And yet, as a friend pointed out, we believe that polygamy (and may we clarify the belief is actually polygyny for multiple wives, not true polygamy for multiple spouses of either gender) is an eternal law, therefore Adam would have had to exercise it to make it so. Why is it so hard to believe that he had more than one wife? Interesting concept!

I have struggled with going to church for years. I was usually bored there and didn't get much out of it. Some of that may be my yellow sanguine personality showing, but I can drive for miles and not get bored, why should an hour in church leave me so empty? I didn't outgrow it as an adult and usually spend that time in church writing. That's what I did last week when I went to the "Singles Ward" in Logan - I wrote. I looked around a room of LDS leftovers, I saw an energy that was very depressing, and I felt quite down and discouraged, so I wrote.

I don't believe God intended us to be leftovers. No, I don't think polygamy was intended to take care of that problem. I think we just forgot that love and - through that love - joy are the two most important aspects of religion. God didn't put in his scriptures that He wanted us to suffer and be down and feel discouraged. God did not put in his scriptures that he wanted us to fight to be "good enough" in this world. God did not make human havings or human doings but human beings. And sometimes religion takes that aspect of BEING - of EXISTING - of CONTRIBUTING just because - away from us as people.

Why do I enjoy circle? Because it is a beautiful place to give thanks, to show gratitude, to be joyful! It is a place where we ask blessings on those in need, but it is positive. We hurt with and for our "brothers and sisters" not because of them. And the concentration is gratitude and joy.

So, I was in the shower this morning and it finally came to me. (I admit to being one of those people that thinks things through regularly in the shower and that's often where I come up with some of my best ideas.) I don't see Heaven as a solemn place where things are "reverent" and "quiet" with harps strumming in the background. That is not a joyful scene to me. Dancing in the streets, greeting one another with jubilation and exuberance. THAT is how I see heaven!

We will have worked and worked hard to accomplish our goals and to meet again as family and friends in Heaven. Why would that be a solemn occasion? That would be like expecting the winner of the marathon to put cross quietly while everyone stood in silence. Now THERE is a picture of celebration for accomplishment, eh? I, for one, am going to be so thrilled to visit with each of my friends again that I will most likely be jumping up and down with anticipation, not solemnly watching so that I can quietly walk up and shake a hand before walking away!

So that's part of it. It's just too quiet and solemn. Life is to be celebrated! Yes, there are times when I am truly touched that I will sit in silence to show and deeper respect. Yes, there are times when solemnity is appropriate. I just don't thing it should be that way all through church.

Quiet contemplation has its place. Introspection has its place. One of the most inspiring and impressive times of my recent life was the moment of silence to honor those killed in the attacks on September 11, 2001. Sitting in a room packed with people of all ages and hearing nothing was startling and touching. Even so, one of the reasons it was so powerful was that it was so unusual.

Make a joyful noise does not equate to slow, depressing hymns for me. Sing it loud and strong and vibrant. Sing it alive and joyful, not as if I was mourning life. Even Jesus deserves to have joy when we sing of him! Yes, He died. And He mourned. And He cried. And He felt pain - overwhelming to even him. And He deserves to be celebrated! His sacrifice, His teachings, His life should bring us joy, not heartache!

When I die, I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to see my life as a celebration of all that's good. I want others to remember me as an upbeat and vibrant being willing to live in joy. And I want the people I leave behind to look forward to seeing me again! Not to dread it!!!

Maybe this is just rambling. Maybe I still haven't figured it all out. Maybe I just am able to view God as a loving, kind being instead of all hellfire and brimstone. I don't know why I struggle with religion - well, besides believing that monogamy and the current marital requirements are sometimes inappropriate - and why it weighs on me so much.

I envy those who have that knowing sometimes. More often I'm glad I'm me!

Celebrate life!

I think I'll skip church...