Dreams never really die...

I am nearly 45 years old. About 39 years ago I decided on what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to sing - opera. Yes, opera! The trilling high notes, the fantastic costuming - what more could I want?

I've never sung in an opera, never been invited to be in an opera company.

Until now. I volunteered but never heard anything back.

When I was younger and in better shape, I auditioned for many parts. I always managed to be in the chorus of the school musicals, but could never quite get the leads. I didn't make it into the show choir in junior high or high school. I didn't quite get the highest marks at the state vocal festival. It was very discouraging. I gave up.

When I was 26 I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. It had been a long time coming. Believe me, it was a miserable experience. It also was the gateway to a discovery that gave me new hope. It was discovered that I could not breathe through my nose. Almost all my life, in every picture, I had my mouth open. Nobody noticed, other than some of my classmates that teased me.

Nobody ever thought it was a problem until my doctor that did my tonsil surgery looked up my nose. I had surgery to open up my breathing passages. The doctor explained the chiseling process he had gone through to open up my nose on both sides. He described me as having "the bone of a bull elephant" in my nose.

Interestingly enough, suddenly my voice had changed. It didn't feel the same or sound the same when I opened my mouth to sing. I had to relearn how to sing!

Suddenly people started to take notice of my voice. I was still only in the chorus of South Pacific, but I was in the chorus and I was still in the learning stages of what to do and how to do it. I thought back on lessons from my former teacher, Jodi Hardman, and tried to implement what I could remember her telling me. I was still not feeling confident in my abilities and was willing to accept the chorus as a no big deal. It had been years and I had never been good enough. Why would it change?

Finally, after I turned 40 and had many people approach me and ask me to sing, I realized I could do it. Mostly because I didn't much care what anybody thought any more.

I had a dream. It was still there, even after all those years and all that failure.

I approached a new teacher, one I had been intimidated by, and asked if she would be willing to work with me. She got me right in. I was on the right track! Last fall I did an hour long "concert/recital" all by myself. It was one of the most invigorating experiences of my life and I have had friends ask when I'm going to do it again. Unfortunately, the sinuses and nasal passages are a vital part of voice. I am not sure where I stand since having my nose smashed and rebuilt again.

I now sing with the American Festival Chorus. I haven't given up!

The dream is alive. I have made arrangements to start voice lessons again as soon as I'm working and able. I am meeting people and getting involved in things that will put me in the right places to be able to reach my star - my dream!

Dreams never really die, they just may sleep for awhile.

Why Twitter???

I finally did it. I joined Twitter. Did me NO good. Can't log in. Can't find people I'm looking for there. Have found it to be nothing more than FRUSTRATING! And that is something I just don't need!

I'll get there. I'll figure out how to appreciate it, I guess. Or I'll just drop it!

WICKED was wickedly delightful!

How does the plot of a well-known musical stay so hush-hush?

As a surprise, my aunt and uncle bought tickets to go see Wicked for me, my children, and my parents. It was a lovely gift and absolutely delightful - even the trip to Salt Lake!

My daughters are far more familiar with the music than I am. I knew Popular and had a vague idea of what the plot was. I grew up, after all, following Judy Garland on the yellow brick road and was even around for The Wiz when it came out with its funky musical twist. I knew that it introduced Glinda and the Wicked Witch at a much younger and more impressionable age. I was far from prepared for what I got!

What a beautiful experience!

From the time the musicians began until the last note faded, the show pulled me in and kept me captivated! Before the music started, I was entranced with the huge mechanical dragon hanging above the audience and the gears that created a new focus around the proscenium. The tech crew climbing said gears and ladders were fascinating, even, since I am afraid of heights. I admit that I did something I would not have done normally - I snapped a shot of the dragon because I knew Thomas would want to see it. Note: I am not publishing said photo!

The first notes filled the hall and the action began.

Yes, with the intermission the show takes up the better part of three hours. No, it doesn't ever feel like it should have been over hours ago. In fact, it ended all too soon! I also believe both my boys, neither who enjoy sitting, would have been as taken in by the entire production as I was!

I will not share the plot any further. I will encourage anyone who is able to see it to attend at any time you can. I will be watching for my next opportunity to see it again!

First Anniversary - Last Anniversary!

This picture was taken one year ago today during our wedding ceremony in my step-daughter's dining room. It was a lovely time after a stressful day and I was actually very happy! Today is our first anniversary and tomorrow will be six months since I last spoke to my husband or had any direct contact with him. The most direct contact was when he punched me, destroying my face.

I guess I should be having a rough time today. I'm not. It seems like a lifetime ago. I can be thankful for the few good times we shared and the really great wedding cake supplied by Chrystal! And I can be thankful that the daily Hell of living with the man is over.

I learned a great deal. I changed a great deal. The woman in the photo is not the woman I am today, thankfully! With every gain there is a loss and with every loss there is a gain. I have gained more than I lost and I have grown more in a year than I would ever have imagined possible. So, today is a day I can celebrate for those reasons!

I am, regrettably, still married to the monster and I hope this is the last time I have to say that on our anniversary.

Even so, I will think of the things I gained, count my blessings, and make it through another day!

It's a bus!

There you see it! It's a bus! Thirty-five feet long, manufactured by Gillig, has been known to hold over 100 passengers at the same time if many of them are small or trying to get to the university. No big deal, right?

But yesterday I drove a bus through the roadeo course. I wouldn't have won, but I was happy because I had tried. I was allowed to drive it alone and take the time I wanted/needed. I realized that it's been far too long since I backed up and I was going to need some training, but after six months being banned from driving, it felt so good!

I cried. I admit it! They were tears of pure joy. I had been so frightened that I might never be able to drive again. My vision is all that has kept me from it. And driving the course gave me the chance to prove to myself that I can STILL do it and that I can see clearly all that is required to be safe and efficient. I'm ready to go back to work! Of course, I have been ready to go back to work since the time I got hit. I never wanted to miss a day!

To some people, it's just a bus. To me it is a friend and a sign of my own independence. It is a way to serve others. The bus was what saved me and granted me a degree of independence while I was unable to drive myself. It is a symbol of living more green.

Don't want to get political, only emotional.

It's a bus and I can drive it!

But he's just a little boy!

Over the years I have noticed something repeatedly - my children are AMAZING!


I remember when my first child was born. Pregnancy was hard, labor was harder, the nurse made it harder still but I made it and was suddenly overwhelmed by the power of my emotions as I gazed in awe and wonder at the baby girl that had somehow come from MY body. I never knew I could feel so much love and adoration for another human being. I had never realized how much that one event would change my entire life - my view on the world.


I remember when my oldest was turning eight or nine. I stood in the doorway and watched her walk down the street to school and I cried. I hadn't been prepared for how incredible that little baby would be as she grew older and developed into her own person. Once again I felt overwhelmed by awe and emotion. What an inspiration she was to me!

Now my baby is going to giving birth to her first baby - a son - in a few short months. Her beauty, intelligence and spirit are all still awing me and inspiring me to be more than what I thought I could be. She is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out!

But it didn't stop with her.

Each of my little babies came into this world and then grew, developed, and became their own little people. There were challenges, but I learned to try and find the blessings in those challenges. There were days I thought I wouldn't survive, I was sure they were going to kill me one way or another. But we all survived and I am now surrounded by not one, but three absolutely beautiful, intelligent, and talented daughters and am still working through having two really charming, incredible, and intelligent sons.


I'm still awed and overwhelmed on a regular basis.

Lately, however, it's been my youngest that has really been amusing me. Thomas James, known since infancy as Thomas the Loud, is one of the most creative children I have ever met. Part of it may be nature as both his parents are very artistic, part of it is definitely nurture as he could not have picked up on some of the things he has without the environment he has been in.

Thomas, in many ways, is my most challenging child. He is far too active and gets bored in seconds flat. He is very much like his mother. His mind goes faster than his mouth, I think, and his mouth almost never stops.


Thomas showed an aptitude for language at a very young age. He was about three or four when he started demanding his "trousers" instead of pants. I knew I was in trouble then!

So a couple of weeks ago his sister decided to help me out - which really did my old mommy heart good - and clean the kitchen. She really got in there and deep cleaned! Since I've been out of commission off and on, things had gotten a little more out of hand than what I was up to tackling, so her assistance was really needed. The problem with it was she was not going to let ANYONE into that kitchen. If the boys put a glass in the kitchen and it got put in the dishwasher, that was it. "I already washed your glass today. You're done," I heard her say.


With an attitude like that, I wasn't about to even dare attempt going into said kitchen for anything. So, I ordered pizza. I couldn't really afford it, but I really needed to feed my family and there weren't many other options. Malachi knew I was ordering the pizza but I hadn't mentioned it to Thom, so when he heard Malachi ask, "Have you ordered the pizza yet, Mom?" the mouth immediately started.

"Pizza? Mom, are you going to get pizza? What kind of pizza are you buying, Mom? What did you order for us?"

Let me tell you, unchecked, he can continue on like that for close to an hour without breaking to breathe.

"Oh, Thom," I responded, "I know how much you hate pizza, so I figured I'd just make you a peanut butter sandwich."

"Mom, you are my favorite Moo and you know that I love pizza. I will eat any pizza, Mom. I don't want peanut butter. What kind of pizza did you order?"

I couldn't help it, I just sat and grinned in the half-dark room and listened to him just run on and on and on. He didn't notice my smile, but Malachi did.

"As Mom just sits there smiling, Thom," quipped Malachi.

Thomas looked at me for the first time and realized that Malachi was right. I was grinning my fool head off trying not to laugh.

"OH," Thomas rolled his eyes and sighed, "I am so GULLIBLE!"


That was it, I had to laugh and I laughed and laughed and laughed!

Last Wednesday Thomas informed me that he was borrowing Malachi's CD player. I should have recognized then there was some sort of problem as the boys aren't usually the kind of brothers that share well! Thomas asked me if I would make him his own music CD. Why not? No problem! He requested Techno Smurfs and left the rest up to me.

Techno Smurfs is a story in and of itself. Thom's father is a musician. He remixed the Smurf theme song and added techno music in the background and thus we have Techno Smurfs. In all honesty, Thomas really doesn't care for most of what I have that his father recorded, but Techno Smurfs is a big hit with Thomas and some of my younger bus passengers!

I didn't realize that it would be so difficult to put together a music CD for my young son. I wanted something that would keep his interest and entertain him. He enjoys Mika and he likes STYX since I took him to the concert last summer. He sings along with Love Stinks, just like the rest of us. Even so, I wasn't quite sure what to put on his own Thomas CD.

Oh, it's a mix! Benatar, Blue Man Group, Love Stinks, Mika, a whole bunch of Disney stuff, STYX - a little bit of everything. He wanted to listen to it on the way to Salt Lake on Thursday and the CD player is dead. Dead, dead, dead! Does this stop Thomas? NO WAY!

Everyone in the family, including his brother-in-law, has apparently now heard his CD. I have not. And I have managed to forget the order and what all the songs are I put on his special CD.

"Mom," Thomas says, "thank you for making me that CD. There is one song on there that I really like. I find it relaxing."

"What is that?" I asked. I really had no idea! "How does it go?"

And in that sweet, clear little boy voice, my Thomas starts to sing, "Starry, starry night..." and there was no question just what song it was that he loved so much! Don McLean has touched yet another generation!

So we took some time on Saturday night and discussed just what the song, whose real name is Vincent, was about. We did an online search and viewed pictures of VanGogh's paintings. His self-portraits, his flowers, and his starry nights. We talked about style, how it had changed. We talked about his brother, his life and went line by line - he had them all memorized - through the song and talked about what all of it meant.

Before we started, Thomas had made a most astute comment, "Mom, I really like this song, but it makes me feel sad."

"When you learn who and what it is about, you will know why," I had responded.

When the art history lesson was over, my sweet little boy - the one that drives everyone nuts - had tears in his eyes. He asked questions to clarify what he had learned.

Wow!


From my oldest to my youngest, I have five miraculous people I brought into this life and one fabulous addition who is married to my daughter. Who woulda thunk it!

Just a note...

So, I suddenly have become very prolific in my blogspot posts. Some are longer than others - MUCH longer. And you may be wondering why.

I'll tell you.

I want to get back into my writing. I enjoy writing. I enjoy sharing. I feel quite proficient at it and it is something I can do and do well right now. It never hurts to practice more so I don't lose the ability.

This is my practice. I am practicing becoming more open and honest, two characteristics I feel are important to healthy living. I am practicing my wordsmithing, something I didn't appreciate until later in my life even though it is something I have always been able to do. I am practicing seeing and reading and designing and thinking and processing. I would like to start interviewing again. Listening and regurgitating information with professionalism. I need the practice after so many years!

I also hope to entertain, to give information, to cause thoughts, to make people wonder as they wander. If I am succeeding in that is dependent upon my readers. Please let me know if I'm boring you or if you disagree with something I have said.

I am not afraid to conquer politics, religion, personal beliefs, or anything else I can think of right now. I'm not concerned about being "politically correct" when I write any more than when I don't. I believe in addressing issues, however, and will avoid attacking individuals. Okay, when I finally open up about the assault, what led up to it and what's happened since, that may seem like an attack, but I hope to couch my views in humor and diplomacy on that one!

I like debate and I like feedback. I believe that positive and negative feedback are ways to gauge what I am doing.

I am planning to write a book and want to get it published. Your feedback may be what helps me reach another of my dreams, my current goal. By reading and responding, you are helping me and I recognize and appreciate this!

Thank you for sharing my blogs with me, for being willing to take the time to read. Please be patient and understanding as I practice some more!

Laughing at myself...

Some days I am so glad that I am capable of laughing at myself!

Often I have been heard to exclaim, "I can either laugh or cry and I prefer to laugh." I stand by the idea that laughter is healing. That laughter is a joyful noise. That laughter is good for the cardiovascular system as well as for emotional release. And I love to laugh.

Problem with that is, I suffer from "exercise induced asthma" and have for many years now. Laughing, believe it or not, will cause my asthma to kick in faster than anything else! Yes, chances are I will die laughing, literally, but I'll be having a good time when I go!

Sometimes I worry that others are uncomfortable with my laughter. For one thing, I have a very distinctive laugh. People who haven't seen me in years may not recognize me on sight, but as soon as they hear my laugh, they know exactly who I am. I do not laugh quietly, as a general rule, but I do try and hold it in when it's not appropriate to guffaw in my normal form.

I laugh at many aspects of my life. When people tell me how good I look, especially after where I was, I laugh and say, "I only wish I could see as good as I look!" It's my way of dealing with the stress of not having full vision yet. I could whine and cry about it, but that would just make everyone miserable, so it seems rather pointless.

I brag that I "work hard for this fine feminine form" when discussing my weight. I would rather consider myself "fluffy" or, even better, "voluptuous" than just fat. Then again, when I sing - well, you know that saying!

Mary Poppins had it down! When the children were taken to see Uncle Albert and they laughed themselves into a tea party on the ceiling - now that was awesome! And their spirits and bodies dropped to the ground when the party was over. Isn't that they way it really works?

Keep smiling! Laugh at yourself and at life and it's a much more enjoyable place to be!

And as a closing thought, "Laugh and the world laughs with you! Snore and you sleep alone!"

Post court feelings...

Today was a good day. There were, in all honesty, some disappointments, but it's nothing I can do anything about, so I'm not letting it get to me. Just enjoying the good parts of the day!

Yuppers - got a court date set for trial, although it could change. Got a court date set for a review before the trial. The biggest news? While I was at the courthouse, I finally filed!

Wish me luck!

It's a great day! The sun was shining, I got plenty accomplished, and I'm WORN OUT!

May tomorrow be so blessed!

Precursor to court decisions...

So, court is tomorrow. Not any major court for the case and I don't even have to go, but it is tomorrow morning and I want to be there to find out what happens next. Wish I had someone to be there and hold my hand, but it's okay.

I'm not sure how I feel about this court decision. Either way tomorrow goes there are pros and cons. I'm honestly hoping for a trial date to be decided on. I'm ready for it and I just want it set so I can get it over with.

In need of advice...

Last night I had a bit of a shock and it has created some questions in my mommy brain.

My sons were mildly assaulted by a bully. Neither of them suffered any long term effects but it brought out the "momma bear" in me and that is always terrifying for anyone and everyone concerned. It also made me start to question my mommy abilities and decisions with my sons.

Lets face it, as an only child who has, up until this time, only dealt with teenage girls, my mommy skills with boys leave more than a little to be desired. Being a single parent to try and muddle through the boy thing makes it even more difficult. I did things differently with my boys than I did with my girls. I taught my girls, from a very young age, self defense. They used those skills. I never thought my boys would need them.

Should I be teaching my boys self defense? How? What? When?

And then there is the fact that it seems this boy was picking on my boys to impress two young ladies that were with him. I think they nearly wet their pants when I came screaming (almost literally) across a field at them and demanded to know why teenagers needed to beat on an 8-year-old. The girls insisted that they had never hit Thom, which my boys verified, but they didn't mention that the only young man with them had hit Thom and kicked Malachi.

At 0130 I woke up worrying about what I should have or could have done for my boys.

And as I'm reviewing it, something hit me square between the eyes. If these girls at 12 and 13 are willing to overlook bullying of a younger child, what are they setting themselves up for? And I was suddenly scared FOR them.

I would have taken anyone down I could who beat up on little kids when I was that age. What is happening that these little girls were willing to cover for this young man who openly punched an 8-year-old? And how are they going to justify it in their minds when he is hitting one of them or one of their friends?

Do I talk to these girls? To their parents? What would I want another child's parent to do if they were in my position? I don't want to offend anyone or create any problems.

My story isn't pretty, that's a fact. The pictures are proof. Do I show these little girls what could happen? Not that it ever will. Perhaps they will lived a blessed and charmed life and be like the people that laugh when I tell them my husband punched me in the face because it is so far from their reality they can't believe it's true. Then again, perhaps nobody will ever tell them that bullying isn't right, they can stand up to a bully, they can't find bullying behaviors acceptable. And, perhaps, they will find themselves walking in shoes too similar to mine.

What do I do? Do I have it in my power to make a change for the good? Or would it be too much information? Would it do more harm than good to shove my reality in the faces of these girls?

I have some really rough decisions to make. I'm walking uncharted territory for me. I'm doing the best I can. I want to do what's best for them - the next generation.

Have any suggestions?

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Some days there is just nothing more to say!

When dealing with children, their friends, their friends parents, my friends, my friend's children - there are just times when I wish I could scream it all away!

Some days it's the stress of a clean room that suddenly takes on the appearance of something that recently welcomed a whirlwind - or a full out tornado - with open arms. I just can't keep up with it all!

Okay, even with a job I love, there are days that something happens as I'm trying to get there (like the time a great dane ran into my car), when I get there, or midway through the day that is a moment of pure frustration.

I really think everyone has those days. And everyone survives those days. But sometimes I just have to scream, yell, or moan that classic "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRrrrrrrrGGGGGGGGhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Life after 40...

Anyone else out there seen the information on Susan Boyle? She is my new hero!

She is 47 years old and competing in Britain's Got Talent and is an inspiration to anyone over forty!

She is also proof of what I have been saying - life begins at 40. The year I turned 40 was one of the worst years of my life. I was miserable in just about every aspect of my life. I was in a lousy marriage, frustrated with my job, struggling with my children, looking for a better place to live, and disappointed in myself. I was not what I had envisioned I would be at 40 and I was struggling.

Something happened in that year. I turned 41, changed jobs, got rid of my husband, adjusted to what was happening with my children and worked very hard to improve my health conditions. I had survived 40 and things were definitely looking up!

I also discovered that a year of introspection had given me some real good insights into myself, my disappointments, my dreams, my desires, and what I was willing to do to get there. I decided I didn't much care what other people thought, it was time for me to start living MY life. It was my own bad decisions that had put me at 40 in such a sorry state. It will be my own good decisions that will turn my life around!

So, life after 40 taught me a few things.

1 - I don't really care what other people think any more. If I choose to make a fool of myself, I may as well laugh! It makes life so much more fun!

2 - Dreams don't die. I still want to sing in the opera. Once I've done it, I'll decide what to do next. I just started doing things that would get me there!

3 - If I'm not enjoying life, it's up to me to change it! I don't have to depend on anyone else. It's all about me! Once I can accept that my own misery or my own joy is really all about me, I can accept or change it. Not selfish, just self care.

4 - Life is far more beautiful if I concentrate on what I have to be thankful for. The attitude of gratitude will go further in enriching my life than anything else I can think of!

5 - I'm never too old to change. The old dog/new trick ideology is just limiting and really wrong!

I guess that's the top five. It would take me another four decades to process and explain what all I've learned in the last four.

The other day I was watching the news and that's when I was first introduced to Susan Boyle. Watching her and the reactions to her made me cry. It gave me hope and companionship. Here is a woman - even older than me - who is not afraid to stand up, recognize, claim, and reach for her dreams. Want to see what I mean? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY)

Life begins at forty and everything after is just more icing on the cake!

Who or what defines character?

Since the end of October, I have started to actually watch television. I had the television set up for three weeks before the assault, but had taken maybe an hour to watch in those three weeks. Then, when I had nothing to do for the long term, I started to watch. I really enjoy the news, but I always have, but now that it's reaching the point that I can read again - kind of - my TV viewing will probably drop!

But, I have discovered NCIS. And the station that shows the most NCIS is USA. And USA has been advertising their interest in characters for the entire time with slogans like "Characters Welcome." And now they are advertising their new book filled with the characters that make America great.

Only one problem. I'm NOT in that book. I'm not in there as a photographer, journalist, or character.

Doesn't really bother me, but then my daughter said, "What about me?" and it got me thinking. I'd thought that a time or two when I'd seen the commercials, but I hadn't said it. I enjoy books that show America and Americans as who and what we are. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly all have a place in creating the fantastic world we live in.

Character - good character is - is one of the most valuable things any individual can posses. It makes a huge difference in our interpersonal communication and relationship skills. Being honest with ourselves and others would eradicate many of the problems currently plaguing our Nation and our World. So, when we are talking about character and characters that create our daily lives, what are the criteria for making those decisions.

Some of the most interesting people I have ever met are people who have been at odds with society in one way or another. They could be called characters! The body art and piercings and strange hair styles and outlandish clothing could be considered signs of individuals that are recognized as characters.

In theater, the best parts to play are the character parts. In Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean, the main character is most fascinating because of the character of the part. From the beginning of the movie, it is the character, with his off-balance characteristics, that pull the movie watcher in and keep them involved. But, is Captain Jack a character that you want emulated by your children? Honesty is not his strongest trait - far from it. He is able to communicate rather well with his friends and foes alike, but would you be enthusiastic to see your son or daughter communicate in that way with you?

In Doubt, which I saw live on stage prior to the Glenn Closer movie release, character issues are explored as they are intertwined with the characters that are acting out their dilemmas. It brings out some invigorating and interesting questions about our characters and what is right or wrong, good or bad.

Look around you. Who are the characters in your life? Who do you like, love, appreciate, despise? What are the characteristics that contribute to your reactions to those individuals?

What is the deciding factor for you in who or what defines character?

What about when eHarmony can't find a match?

After joking about it with my kids every time the eHarmony commercial came on, I finally decided to try the service and see what happened. Well, it wasn't good. I spent the time to fill out all their questionnaires only to be given the message they couldn't help me. They have no matches in their database.

What's up with that?

I wasn't given a single clue as to why I was unable to be matched in their database. I have a friend that was matched in their database quite some time ago. I'm not that unusual am I?

Of course, it could be the fact that I'm honest to a fault and admitted I am still married legally, but separated. It could be the fact I have been married six times. However, they never asked for any further background or information. They never asked me WHY I was still married or WHY I had gotten divorced or even for how long.

Perhaps, with the proper information, they would have realized that I could be their favorite poster child. Find ME a good match and you have it made in the shade! After all, had I started with eHarmony, perhaps I wouldn't have such a great record. I should have returned to the traditions of my forefathers and waited for an arranged marriage. My friends are now lined up and anyone that will get to me has to run the gamut. I have the feeling the challenge there is enough to keep me single for the rest of my life!

Okay, so maybe - just maybe - eHarmony is right!

A mile in under 30 minutes - so what?

So, if nothing else has happened in the past six months or so, I have learned a few things. One of the big ones for me is baby steps. I had always been one who could look at a situation and feel overwhelmed but the enormity of it. I could be overcome with panic and grief just looking at a sink full of dishes or a pile of laundry. I felt almost instantly like I had already failed. More than once a simple task would overcome me for days while I fought off the panic. Most people, looking in, had no idea what I was struggling with internally. It was challenging and depressing because I knew that people were looking "down" at me and I didn't know what to do to change it. I have always felt like I wasn't enough. I wasn't doing enough, accomplishing enough, or doing what I did well enough. I have always considered myself to be more of a failure than anything else.

When I was a young teen, I believed that I had somehow destroyed the world for everyone. I wasn't keen on dieing, even though I considered suicide on multiple occasions, I just wanted to cease existing. It got especially bad right around my birthday. Why would anyone want to celebrate something I believed should never have happened.

Thankfully it has been many years since the last time I felt that despair for my birthday, but I have struggled with not feeling good enough even without that.

So, I was finally doing fairly well. I had a good job and had worked very hard to come through a good many things in my life. I was feeling healthier in most ways, but the stress of living with a controlling husband that bordered on abusive was taking its toll. Even so, I was hopeful that we could work through the issues together. I could relate to his lack of confidence and insecurities because of what I had lived through and with. I could identify the sources of his overt anger and tried very hard to be supportive of him while he threw tantrums and made irrational accusations. Even handling with the verbal and emotional abuse at home, I was making progress in my personal counselling sessions and was getting better and better.

Things were actually going well.

And then the assault occurred and in a moment my entire life was turned upside down.

My eye was swollen shut instantly. I couldn't completely open the other eye, either, and everything was black for quite some time. I did see stars and I was facing the opposite direction, but was still on my feet, when the spinning stopped. Nothing was making sense. My loving husband had punched me in the face, knocking my eyeball through the bottom of my eye socket and into my sinus cavity and crushing my nose.

It took hours before my father and the emergency room doctor were able to convince me that I was not going to work the next morning. I don't think I could have comprehended that it would be more than six months before I would be able to return to the job I loved. I could hardly comprehend who I was and what had happened to me. And, had I known and understood then what I know now, I probably couldn't have handled it. But now, I see what I have learned and that I could handle it - one baby step at a time!

So that's where the baby steps come in.

This morning I got up and walked a mile in under 30 minutes. I went out by myself and didn't fall down or have to stop and rest even once. Doesn't sound like much for the person I was six months ago. But for me - for now - it is something to celebrate!

On Thanksgiving day I tried to walk the three blocks to my parents house. It was a beautiful day and my oldest son was walking with me to make sure I was okay. What a burden for a 12 year old boy, but he wasn't complaining. We walked slowly with him telling me when there were cracks in the sidewalk and how far I needed to step to cross the gutter. By the time I had walked a half a block, I was trying to figure out where I could stop to rest.

First I set my sights on the library steps. I could make it that far, surely. It wasn't even a full block away. By the time I got to them, it was all I could do to keep going. But I did. There was something a little further on if I wanted to rest. I could lean against the fire hydrant. I could do this!

The fire hydrant was there and then it was gone and I was still moving.

I made it to the corner and collapsed on a bench at the war memorial. I made it a full block! Impressive!

My son was worried. He was willing to stay there with me, even though he was capable of walking much further and much faster. He is a good boy!

Now my focus was turned toward where I could stop and rest in another block. I was planning each step for the next two blocks. I was trying to plan places I could stop and rest. And I was trying to find the energy - some pocket of internal strength - to get up and keep moving. And it wasn't appearing with any enthusiasm.

I didn't make it any further than from that bench to my father's car door. He pulled up, picked me up, and drove me the last two blocks.

I had to admit and adjust to the fact that I was physically incapable of walking more than a single block. Not an easy admission to make.

I think it may have been my overt stubbornness that said I was NOT going to let this keep me down that made me decide I was not going to be babysat by my children any more when I wanted to go out. I was going to start living my life like it was my life. THAT was going to help me recover. I was positive.

I got on the bus. I could ride into town, walk across the parking lot to Smith's, walk back to the Transit Center and ride home. I had benches to rest on, but it got me out of the house. I arranged for the CAR buses to come and get me and take me where I needed to be if it was more than a block from the bus stop. The buses I had driven were suddenly my only salvation. It was hard to be in the passenger seat, but it was the best option I had.

I never quit fighting. Every day was a fight. It was a fight to sleep, to wake up, to move across a room. But I kept fighting and I kept winning a little at a time.

I could walk a half a block to a block and be okay. I learned how to turn my head to see the ground and how to judge drops and stairs so that I didn't fall so often. I paid attention to what my body told me on a minute by minute basis and chose when to give in to it and when to push it further.

So I have fought the good fight. Some days the only fight I had was with me. Some days it was with my emotions. Some days it was with my physical abilities. But through all the fights, I have realized one really important thing.

No matter how small my step for today is, it's enough.

So yesterday I walked two blocks before sitting down and falling asleep instantly. That is so great! Today I did better and I can celebrate today's accomplishments in my life! Tomorrow I may only get the dishwasher unloaded and I may not leave my house. It's okay! May not be my best day, but it's another day to celebrate! If it is just reading a page in a book - something that would have taken nearly no time or effort a few months ago - it is to be celebrated.

A mile in under 30 minutes? It's big for today! And every day is another day to celebrate, live, and enjoy. Every little baby step is one more thing to appreciate and revere. And every little baby step means I am good enough - and maybe, for today, even more!

Political climates

So, today I had a friend ask me if she could ask me a few questions. I'm always open to sharing and answering questions, so I told her it was no problem. Then she made the comment that she had to figure out how to ask in a politically correct way.

I have never been one that was particularly concerned about being politically correct, so I was almost offended by that, but I waited to hear what it was she had to ask. Because of her comment, I honestly expected a question about my personal life, but she surprised me by asking a really political question, "What do you think about our current administration?"

WOW! Politics! I mentioned to someone last night that I had been taught to be ladylike and never discuss politics or religion publically. Both are very emotional topics for some people, and one can easily break friendships by stating the "wrong" views with the "wrong" people. I have gotten in trouble on more than one occasion by discussing politics or religion and finding that both are somehow intertwined one with another. One day I thought I was going to have to break up a fight - literally speaking - because of two passengers that I was bantering with about politics. Then THEY got into it with each other and I got scared!

So, I told her the truth. "I'm watching and waiting to see what happens," I responded.

And then she asked what I thought of the current actions of the administrations on the economy and I told her the truth. "I haven't really been paying much attention," I admitted. "There's not a damn thing I can do about it, so I've been paying more attention to the things closer to home I can do something about."

Wow. Yeah. Way to make friends and influence people, I'm sure. Right.

But, it's the truth.

I figure that most, if not all, politicians are corrupt in one way or another. I believe that the current administration is doing the best they can for our country overall, according to what they know, understand, and are capable of. I really don't believe that anyone in our current administration is trying to destroy our country in any way. That would be pointless for all of us. Perhaps I believe too strongly that most people desire a win/win situation. Doesn't matter, I can't control what our political leaders are doing, so I don't worry about it. I will give feedback on issues on occasion, write to my congressman or some such thing, but most of the time I just observe and hope.

I believe that our current administration - President Obama, his advisors, etc. - are having to deal with the inept actions of former administrations, that (theoretically) did they best they could. My personal, and long-term, opinion is that George W. was a victim of his own total incompetence and blind trust in poor advisors. He did our country no favors with some of his policies and I have not really been able to trust him since he started trying to take away from the balance of power and put more power in the Executive position in our government. He used the climate of panic to manipulate the American people into giving him more power than what was necessary or healthy for the Nation as a whole.

Thus saying, I must also admit that I voted him into his second term of office because I felt that he was the lesser of two evils when compared with John Kerry.

I also think that George the Incompetent would have done much better to view his father as an advisor. The senior George Bush had an understanding of diplomacy and foreign politics that lost him a second term because of the lack of understanding of the majority of the American people, but that George the Incompetent would have been intelligent to follow. It is a shame that he seemed so bent on doing just the opposite.

As far as the current economy - this has been a long time coming. Why did we, the American people, allow it? Yes, we do have to take some responsibility. It's our votes that put the people in charge in that position. It's our lack of action that allows them to continue doing the same thing and expecting different results.

My opinion? Yes, they do deserve some compensations, but how many people in the private sector get to decide what their own wages will be? How many people in the private sector get to decide what will be spent on their health care programs? And how many people in the private sector can expect millions to be poured into their pockets for a few years of part-time service?

Yeah.

I want THAT job!

Sad thing is, it takes so much money to get involved in politics that it's very highly unlikely that the average citizen will ever be given the opportunity to walk in and make a difference. It's the people that already have the money to get into politics that get into office and then never have to worry or work again.

So that leads me to WELFARE REFORM.

WHAT? Believe it or not, it was not my fault that I was abandoned by my husband when I had three small children and was expecting my fourth. It was not my fault that my health would not allow me to work throughout my pregnancy. It was not my fault that the man involved refused to pay any sort of support and that he quit his job so he only had to pay the minimum required by the state. It was not my fault that he didn't report to the courts when he was gainfully employed so that the amount he was required to pay was increased.

And I found myself living through the welfare system. I could not have survived or taken care of my children without it.

Here's the kicker. While I'm on welfare, the media blitz is suddenly for the welfare recipient witch hunt. ALL welfare recipients are represented by mainstream media as being lazy drug dealers who really had more money than the average Joe. They were represented as being able to have good jobs with no issues to keep that lovely life from being in their grasp but their own laziness and contributing to every horrible thing the American people were having to endure at the same time.

And the cry went out for welfare reform.

I was all for welfare reform on several levels. Yes, I was a welfare recipient and was very thankful for what I was receiving, but I was IN the system and could identify where the welfare system could use "fixing." Did anyone ask for my input? Did anyone ask me to "earn" a part of my welfare payments by working toward an answer? By giving feedback? By doing anything that might contribute to the system that was supporting my family?

No.

It was a bunch of politicians listening in on the media witch hunt and ignoring reality that "reformed" the system.

Prior to welfare reform, I was a certified trainer for a state run organization that was literally turning lives around. It was giving people a hand up and helping them to develop the ability to contribute more fully to society through learning how to communicate better in every aspect of their lives. I have many really heart-touching stories about how that program of education made a difference in the lives of adults and children alike.

Welfare reform put that program under a different governing board. It was reported that the tens of thousands of dollars worth of materials we had collected was quickly and efficiently disposed of - in the dumpster. These materials had taken both dollars and hours to compile and they were all thrown out like garbage.

Why? Because educating people on how to create a better life was getting people out of the welfare system. It was more cost effective to keep people in the system. It was not the people trying to stay in the system, but the system trying to maintain control of the people.

That is what welfare reform accomplished.

Do I sound cynical? Probably. Do I have reason to believe that way? Definitely!

I can tell you, as someone who has worked hard to get out of the welfare system, that the welfare system is set up to suck people in and KEEP them on welfare. The system itself is designed to punish those who work to get out of the system while rewarding those who choose to do nothing to improve their own situation.

The system itself is meant to devalue anyone who is involved in it.

If we want to create a more productive society and allow more people to contribute, the system needs to be REFORMED with that in mind. Education should be a priority in the welfare system. Not just the type of education one receives at school, but an education on thinking. On creating a positive INTERNAL invironment by how you think and perceive and believe. THAT is what makes a difference, it's how we choose to SEE the world around us and within us.

This creates a valuing society - a valuing system - that creates hope, ability, options, and ideas.

So, here I come full circle.

Why am I ignoring so much that is going on in the "political climate" right now? Because so many times the media and others concentrate on the negatives. Why is this significant? Because I honestly believe, fully and whole-heartedly, that we will get what we concentrate on. If I choose to follow the negatives, I will see, and perhaps help create, more negatives. If I ignore those negatives and concentrate on the positives I can see, I will have the opportunity to create more positives.

It's all in perspectives.

Let's get some new views in politics and in life!