Inside the sack...

So, I finally did it! I opened the big, intimidating, white gift bag. I found 12 presents, all numbered, and opened five. It's been so fun so far!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to whoever it was that decided to make my Christmas a little brighter! I am loving this and am so thankful someone thought of me.

Who knew?!?!?!

Ever looked at your own reaction to a single moment and realized just how strange it was?

I did. It created a moment of deep understanding for me of myself. Not a bad thing at all, but I realized somewhere I needed to do some work. I didn't realize the residuals of fear could follow one through the course of healing, but apparently it has happened. I will get better only because I have now recognized the totally emotional reaction to a single moment in time so I can now address the issues beneath that reaction.

If only I could recover from the distancing of myself from everything and everyone cycle, I'd be great! And so many of those good folks believe they know me. Today, I'm not sure I really know myself!

Guilt and Shame are evil! Just sayin'....

I went to Salt Lake on Thursday. It was a lovely trip and I was blessed to have three lovely ladies and my best buddy with me for the trip down and my best buddy with me for the trip back.

Sometime I'll have to tell you about my best buddy, just not right now. For one thing, it would take me completely off-track and for another I just can't pick the words to describe him. So, I will save that for another time. Let's just let it suffice to say he is a fantastic friend and we spend a great deal of time together!

Anyway, I arrived home about midnight. All I wanted was to go to bed. Really. I knew I had about four hours before I had to get up and get ready for work and I wanted to go to bed. But there was something on my front porch.

Now, when I say something, I don't mean something with teeth and fangs, although the way I'm reacting it may as well have, I mean just something. It was large and leaning against my front door.

A beautiful white Christmas gift bag.

And that something was large - very large for its particular breed! I figured it was something that some kind soul had left for my family. Perhaps I should say 'for my children' since most people take one look at me and immediately start to pity the poor little darlings. It's a good thing, too, or they would have gone without far more often than they have!

So, I walked up, grabbed the bag, unlocked the door, and went inside. Figured it wouldn't hurt me to look at the bag, but that's when the problem started.

There are three tags on the bag. One states, "The twelve days of Christmas an elf brings to you. Open 1 gift per day."

The second I will address is the one that came attached to the bag. It remains unscathed and quite unproblematic as well.

It's the third tag that has thrown me into fits of guilt. It says, "Leah, Merry Christmas!

"This is to show you how very special you are. You go out of your way for so many this just a small token of appreciation. Not for the family, just for you."

Since Thursday I have slept with this bag on my bed. I have peeked into it but have been unable to open a single gift. I have cried about it, I'm so very touched that someone actually thought of me so highly. And I feel completely unworthy for such high praise.

I am going to try and open something. It's not what's inside the bag that has touched me so deeply, it really is the thought and I don't want to destroy the reminder that somehow, somewhere I may have made a difference to someone who needed it.

There are little moments in our lives when the sound of one voice can make a huge difference. I used to start my days praying that I could touch just one life in the way God needed me to. I saw that happen many times and I have always been blessed with everything I needed and more. I have tried to serve others, even if it means smiling at someone driving past me. Yup, I've scared more than one person grimacing out a bus window at them - until I add a friendly wave!

In my efforts to serve others, I have rarely felt that I have done enough.

I guess that's where the guilt comes in. I have nothing for my children. The boys don't seem to mind and the girls aren't around to notice. I don't have anything I can give to anyone else, either. I can never give enough to make up for all the blessings I have been given. Why would anyone want to "reward" me for doing nothing?!?!

Roses and presents all in the same week. I'm not sure how to react. I'm not sure what to do or to say. I guess I can just be gracious and say, "Thank you" to all those who care so much for me and take care of me and my children. Some day I will pay you all back for all that you have paid forward to me! One way or another, I will succeed!

"Because I have been given much, I, too, must give."

What a day!

I have come to the conclusion that I am just too forgetful!

I got up yesterday at 5:30. I didn't have to work. I didn't have anything pressing. I just couldn't sleep. Even so, I never made my 8:45 appointment. How does that happen? Let me tell you -  you just have to be ME!

I learned YEARS ago that time, for me, is irrelevant. It just goes its own direction and I have no control over it and it is definitely NOT on a stable flow. One minute can seem to last hours and then an hour was over an hour ago and it doesn't seem possible. This confuses me, so I just chose to ignore time. I still have moments when I think, "Where did I lose THAT ten minutes?"

So, I guess, knowing that, it shouldn't be a surprise when I forget to do normal things regularly. Things like taking the prescriptions that keep me alive every day instead of just whenever. Things like eating, sleeping, finding the bathroom. Yes, I can forget every one of those things for hours!

Yesterday was a very forgetful day for me. I forgot to watch the clock. I forgot the things I was supposed to be doing. I forgot which direction was up. I forgot how important it is to get some sleep. Real sleep.

When Thomas asked me what was for dinner was when I remembered I was supposed to eat. Then I got in the car and started driving and almost forgot again! We ate in Centerville because I can't pass up the In-N-Out Burger if it's open. It's very rarely open when I pass through there, however, so no worries that I will single-handedly keep In-N-Out in business!

I forgot my water bottle. I never forget my water bottle, but I had left it in the car I usually drive and forgot to grab it when I got back to the car. I was miserable, but I made it. It meant I went a whole day with no green water, however. Not a good thing for me.

I forgot that I really needed to find the little girl's room when I got to Salt Lake. I was so intent on getting through traffic that I just forgot. I remembered when I was on my way home. I even stopped - in Ogden.

And then there was sleep. I looked at the clock, after it had passed the midnight hour, and I realized I had been up since - yes, you remember - 5:30 on Saturday morning. I remember when it first hit me and then it became a game. How many hours has Leah forgotten to sleep this time?!?!?!?! Just for the record, I did not make it to 30 or past 30, I only made it to about 21.

I do have to work today. I think I'll hurry and take a nap now!

Cleaning out the old...

Please allow me to explain. I am doing "housecleaning" on my blog. The last several blogs were in draft form and I just published what I had finished. They are OBVIOUSLY NOT in order!

I do intend to write more and I will finish my book soon!

Wish me luck, eh?!?!?!

The "Tragedy" post is from TODAY, but the others are from random times as I was dealing with too much to think about and not enough time to process it all. Forgive me for the random order, please, and take it all as you will.

Talk about errant writers...

So, guess there's not much to say. I have been working, working, singing, working, storytelling, writing, and working some more. I just can't believe I haven't kept up in here!

NEW GOAL: Write at least one blog a week!

There comes a time...

There are days and then there are DAYS. Sometimes the big days are good, sometimes not so good, but you know you will remember them! I have had a couple of really incredible days this week!

When Miracles Happen

Who knows just what constitutes a true miracle. I know I can look at my life and see a miracle or 200 every day!

How much longer...

Well, John is still here.

I don't know why or for how long. He has been very polite and well-mannered, but that won't last long until he gets this addiction thing out of his system.

How much longer will that take? Will it ever happen?

Same old song and dance...

Why is it that people love to lie so much?

I am honest - some would say honest to a fault because I tend to be quite blunt - but I seem to be the exception and not the rule. Seven times I've been married - SEVEN. Most people would give up after one or two or maybe three, but SEVEN?!?!?! And every time I find that dishonesty will kill my relationships.

And my husband doesn't understand that.

Of course, my husband doesn't understand the word honesty or how it ties into the term "clean and sober". He is just angry with me that I won't let him lie and cheat and steal and ignore it. He is so dishonest with himself that he won't admit that it's him and not me that made the choice to destroy our marriage. He is the one that continued to lie to himself, to me, to all our children.

I am angry and hurt. But I am honest about it!

Epic heartbreakers

So, seven times I've tried and seven times I've failed.

Some folks may look at that as just me being the eternal optimist, but most folks just consider it blaring stupidity. Right now, I'm not sure which camp I stand with.

I have learned much and have few regrets. The pain will gradually subside, I'm sure, but the trust... That may be another story entirely.

I joke about it all, wanting to be like Liz Taylor or saying some other silly thing, but the pain on the inside is real. The feelings of betrayal are huge. The mourning for broken promises and murdered dreams goes on behind the scenes.

Yup, believe it or not, even I have dreams and desires.

Oh, and feelings. I do have feelings.

Right now I have no idea where my "husband on paper" is. I have heard rumors, but nobody will tell me. I guess he made it sound like I was pretty much a monster because I wanted him to stop stealing me and my children blind. It's part of the addiction. It's part of the lies. It's part of his denial of his own wrongdoing. And it's what I've lived with for about a year now. Not the recovering addict I married, but an addict who is selfish and self-centered, lazy and dishonest, and just plain mean.

I felt so much relief when he was finally gone. It was what I had been praying for for some time. I didn't want to get ugly with him, I had already had to make reports on him in the past when he was using.

I believed in him, in his ability to overcome the addiction and I heard him admit to me on many times in public that he was not in recovery, but was an addict. Not only that, he made it perfectly clear in public and in private that he intended to stay that way.

And he will.

I was thinking that I can never trust him again to let him into my life or into my home. I have even warned others not to let him be in their homes. He will steal anything he can from money on down so that he can support his addiction.

The addiction isn't the cause, however.

The habit of telling lies and stealing and thinking he is getting away with it. THAT is where the cause is. His habitual denial of his own personal responsibility. His habitual denial of the lies.

Sadly, this is not the man I married. He looks the same and I had heard stories about how he had been in the past, but he had worked hard to become clean and sober and he seemed to be quite dedicated to staying that way.

The man I married was sweet and kind. He was considerate. He stayed positive most of the time. The man I married would follow through on anything he told me he'd do. I could believe in him and I could believe what he said. He was my best friend and we talked about everything. I didn't need to keep secrets from him and I trusted him as much as I could trust.

Perhaps it was really what he said later - I married the idea of who the man was, not the man himself. Perhaps it was just that I was incredibly naive and needed to believe I could believe. Perhaps it was just that I really had a great friend and I should have kept it right there. I don't know.

Tragedy...

Of the two, tragedy and comedy, I prefer to laugh. Anyone who knows me at all, knows this is the case. Even so, I want to address tragedy in today's blog.

I am stunned, as are many people, at the tragedy in Connecticut. The horror this even has inflicted nationwide and beyond is rippling in and out of conversations and overshadowing the joy this season usually brings. Even in my most "Bah Humbug" moments, and I have had many, I have never considered something so violent, deadly, and inexplicable. Somehow, every year, the spirit of the holidays touches me and I feel the peace and joy the season brings. 

I mourn for the parents, grandparents, siblings, other family and friends of those taken from their homes and community. I feel the abyss of pain as I look into it, but I cannot jump into that abyss as so many parents have been forced to do today. I hope to never understand that horror! I wish there was a way to take that abyss, make it spit out all it has sucked in today, and seal it so that no person could ever fall in and know that despair. 

Then I think of a song. One of my favorites... "If I Could Go Back" from Burt Bacharach and Hal David's Lost Horizon.

"How do I know this is part of my real life?
If there's no pain can I be sure I feel life?
And would I go back if I knew how to go back?
What good is time when you're sure of tomorrow?
Can there be joy where there has been no sorrow?
And would I go back if I knew how to go back?
Will I find there is really such a thing as peace of mind?"

And I consider the pain I have known throughout my life. The losses I have felt, including the loss of my unborn daughter so many years ago. It cannot compare, I realize, to the loss and pain of the family and friends of the victims in CT, but I can see a pattern. 

Many times I have realized that I would not go back. I have evaluated my life and have seen where it was one horrible event that seemed almost insurmountable at the time that put my life in a good direction. So many mistakes, but so many lessons and so much good at the same time. My regrets have not come from what has been done to me, but from what I have done to others.

Beautiful, innocent, pure children were taken from their homes, from their friends, from their parents and grandparents. They are, each one, entirely irreplaceable. There is no way to console or to condone. But I mourn for those left behind because the beautiful purity of those children remains untouched, except for a few brief moments, and they know peace.

There is no way to express the agony this situation and event has caused on so many levels for so many people. I have wept. I will weep more, I'm sure.

And now I pray for those left behind, not just those close, but for all those left behind who are left dealing with the repercussions and waves of agony as they ebb and flow throughout each moment.

Hold your children closer - or just your neighbor. And, please, pray for peace.

Christmas miracle? Perhaps...

As always, I tend to be a bit of a skeptic, especially if it looks like anything really uplifting and wonderful is happening in my love life. Even so, I continue to hope and to dream and to wish and to want. Why else would I date after my seventh divorce?

Even so, it had reached the point where I felt quite certain that I was permanently damaged and there was no hope that I would actually ever meet the man of my dreams. Or even half that man and have him willing to put up with me. I had been going through a long and detailed process of mourning as I contemplated forever alone.

My hope, and my view, is that my children will all find someone that is significant and special to build a family with. That does leave me out a bit as I don't want to ever get in the way of their happiness. That leaves me alone, smiling upon them as they celebrate life for now and forever.

And I could be really happy for them and all my friends that found that fulfillment of a really great relationship. I have seen my daughters so blessed so far with such relationships! But I was lonely. And getting a bit discouraged.

This year has been, by far, the toughest year I've faced in a very long time. I have been blasted from more directions than I care to think about and I have been praying for a miracle.

I made a list.

I knew what I wanted and started listing character traits. I would look at my list and think how unrealistic it was. I would get discouraged. I could see no reason the man of my dreams I was developing on paper would ever be interested in me. After all, I've made enough mistakes for several people!

I had joined a few online dating sites. I started shutting the accounts down. It just seemed like such a waste of time because I knew I wasn't really ready to commit to anyone or to have what it was I was hoping for. 

And then, one day, I got a message. It seemed far too good to be true, but I went with it and wrote back. We "bantered" back and forth, but something about what this man was writing had really struck a chord.

Then the told me he was going out of town for awhile. He also mentioned that he really wanted to see the American Festival Chorus perform. I told him that it was too bad he was going out of town since we had our three Christmas concerts that weekend. Next thing I know, he's letting me know he's got a ticket. The LAST ticket for our Friday night concert.

I was, as usual, skeptical.

I told him that if he was coming all the way up we should get together for ice cream after. He was coming from Layton, after all, and I did feel a little guilty about getting him up here when I had no time.

I was lucky - he jumped at the chance! Even after I explained we would have to go with my travel buddies for AFC. He seemed enthused, even! I was still feeling some trepidation, but everyone was in agreement. My AFC buddies were looking forward to "screening" anyone that was interested in me and my date wasn't intimidated by it.

Things seemed good, but who knew.

The shock of my life came when I discovered my date was my very own Christmas miracle.

When I saw him, he glowed like the Christmas star. He was all I could see on that street corner. I know Dianne and Rebecca were with me, they jumped right in after they saw the dozen roses he brought me.

It was the first time I'd ever seen him and I hugged him. Hard.

And I'm afraid that was about all she wrote. I remembered after that to be shy for a little while, but it was so comfortable to be with him and he got along with my friends and there was nothing for a red flag to even attach to.

Jim is my Christmas miracle. He gave me all the things that Christmas is about: Hope, Peace, Love, Good will, Comfort, Smiles.

Yes, Christmas is changed and new and wonderful, all because of a Christmas miracle I wasn't even trying to find!