Epic heartbreakers

So, seven times I've tried and seven times I've failed.

Some folks may look at that as just me being the eternal optimist, but most folks just consider it blaring stupidity. Right now, I'm not sure which camp I stand with.

I have learned much and have few regrets. The pain will gradually subside, I'm sure, but the trust... That may be another story entirely.

I joke about it all, wanting to be like Liz Taylor or saying some other silly thing, but the pain on the inside is real. The feelings of betrayal are huge. The mourning for broken promises and murdered dreams goes on behind the scenes.

Yup, believe it or not, even I have dreams and desires.

Oh, and feelings. I do have feelings.

Right now I have no idea where my "husband on paper" is. I have heard rumors, but nobody will tell me. I guess he made it sound like I was pretty much a monster because I wanted him to stop stealing me and my children blind. It's part of the addiction. It's part of the lies. It's part of his denial of his own wrongdoing. And it's what I've lived with for about a year now. Not the recovering addict I married, but an addict who is selfish and self-centered, lazy and dishonest, and just plain mean.

I felt so much relief when he was finally gone. It was what I had been praying for for some time. I didn't want to get ugly with him, I had already had to make reports on him in the past when he was using.

I believed in him, in his ability to overcome the addiction and I heard him admit to me on many times in public that he was not in recovery, but was an addict. Not only that, he made it perfectly clear in public and in private that he intended to stay that way.

And he will.

I was thinking that I can never trust him again to let him into my life or into my home. I have even warned others not to let him be in their homes. He will steal anything he can from money on down so that he can support his addiction.

The addiction isn't the cause, however.

The habit of telling lies and stealing and thinking he is getting away with it. THAT is where the cause is. His habitual denial of his own personal responsibility. His habitual denial of the lies.

Sadly, this is not the man I married. He looks the same and I had heard stories about how he had been in the past, but he had worked hard to become clean and sober and he seemed to be quite dedicated to staying that way.

The man I married was sweet and kind. He was considerate. He stayed positive most of the time. The man I married would follow through on anything he told me he'd do. I could believe in him and I could believe what he said. He was my best friend and we talked about everything. I didn't need to keep secrets from him and I trusted him as much as I could trust.

Perhaps it was really what he said later - I married the idea of who the man was, not the man himself. Perhaps it was just that I was incredibly naive and needed to believe I could believe. Perhaps it was just that I really had a great friend and I should have kept it right there. I don't know.