Reading a book...

After going over a year without being able to read a book, it's a great joy to be able to read! Just another of my daily, tiny miracles!!!

There are time when the little things in life mean the most. We all find those days and sometimes I find them incredibly amazing. Things we take for granted.

Even when it seems a little silly, celebrate life and the little miracles!

How wonderful to read again!

So, this surgery was a bit of a chance. They were messing with my "good" eye, which was not comforting. However, I was well aware that I was dealing with the best in the state, if not the region! Even after nearly a year since my last surgery at the Moran Eye Institute, the staff still recognized me in the surgery center! It was very "homey" for me and I was relaxed and well both going in and coming out.

I was willing to take the chance offered as I love reading and writing and have found it painful to read books and articles at all and can only type comfortably. I was so excited to see how the surgery had gone. The doctor, Dr. Hoffman, assured me prior to starting the operation that I would see an immediate difference and that it would just continue to improve over the next two to three weeks. But, coming out of surgery, I was faced with one very white eye patch pasted firmly over my eye with instructions not to remove it until Tuesday morning.

I will admit that patience has rarely, if ever, been my strong suit, so it was a most miserable night of questions and wondering. Good thing the anesthesia hadn't worn off. Even so, I was up shortly after midnight and wasn't able to sleep. That is, however, normal for me after surgery, so I knew to expect it and to deal with it. I did finally go back to sleep for a little while.

And then it was time. I couldn't wait any longer. But the tape was firmly plastered to my face and I had forgotten to mention that I am a bit allergic to plastic tape. Even hours after I had yanked it off with great ceremony, one was easily able to identify where the tape had been by the large red splotches. Let me tell you, not a comfortable moment when I grabbed and pulled. I tried to do it slowly, but the pain was just too much, so it came off in a second or so when a took hold of the patch firmly in the middle and just pretended to be pulling all my skin off. Wait a minute - that wasn't pretense!

And the disappointment overwhelmed me. I saw double worse than before. I wasn't thinking about the fact that my eye had been covered for several hours after having been traumatized. I wasn't thinking that I might not be giving it the time it needed outside of that small whitened space to adjust to light and pattern. I just started to cry. I was sure it hadn't worked. And it appeared to be worse than before I'd gone in.

So, me being me, I decided to knock off the tears and go take a shower. A shower is the answer to everything, right?!?!?!

And I got into the shower and realized that I could look down quite significantly and still see only a single line in the tile instead of two at odd angles. And then I realized I could look out of the left side of my eye - something I had been told there was nothing that could be done on - and see a single version of the frogs that decorate my shower curtain.

Hallelujah! Not only had it improved where I had been told it would, it had improved where I had been told there was no hope! WOO HOO!!!

Then I cried again - in the shower nobody knows how much is tears and how much is just water - but I was crying big tears that burned my eye. I stopped pretty quick, but not before I thanked the powers that be. God, my friends, my family - the prayers that have gone up for me and my family. This year I have been so very blessed!

Prepared or not...

So, I'm wearing my PJ's to the hospital today. Yeah. They said to wear loose clothes and these are pretty loose! Besides, I know me after surgery and all I will want to do is sleep, sleep and sleep.

I'm trying to get a few things done before I go - besides writing - but when I am in the mood to write, I write and write and write.

I have been having very disturbing dreams the last two days about my two boys. I don't usually have such vivid or awful dreams, so they weigh heavy on my mind right now. Far more heavy on my mind than what I am wearing for surgery!

I'm not sure if what I have been experiencing is a premonition or just a fear. Either way - highly uncomfortable! Last night, just before midnight, I was dreaming that I was standing on a hill looking at and old jail. It was across a little valley and was about two stories high. I was talking about the history of it when I was suddenly on the roof of it and Thomas dove toward the edge and fell over but when I looked down it was Malachi dropping to the ground.

Strange. I remember thinking that a miracle could happen and save him before he hit the ground but there had been a terrible thud just after he went over the edge. I did not feel good when I woke up and it has been weighing on me since.

Yesterday morning I woke with a start when I dreamed I was going somewhere far away from the boys. I had Thomas's new shoes in my hand and was crying because I knew I wouldn't see him for a very long time. I still don't remember why.

Perhaps it is because of the sentencing hearing coming up. After all, jail and going away for a long time would seem to be connected to that.

I don't say it often and I don't say much about it, but I honestly love my children. I've not been the best mother, I didn't know how to be, but I have done the best I could and I am proud of all five of my children - and very happy to be Grandma to little Baby Dox.

I wonder how he'll feel about being called Baby Dox when he's 12. Whatcha think?

Well, the laundry and garbage and furniture and windows and important stuff are all calling me. I guess they are important!

Later, my friends! I hope to write all week long while I'm out of work, so keep your eyes open!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel....

On November 4, 2009 in courtroom 1 at the Cache County Courthouse and before the Honorable Judge Clint S. Judkins in the First District Court, Steven Arthur Hedlin, Sr. plead guilty to Third Degree Felony Assault. He is scheduled for sentencing on January 4, 2009.

Thus ends this chapter of the saga.

I am still scheduled for what I hope to be my last surgery to try to correct the damage done by this assault. I have been told I will never fully regain my vision. But, I can move on now and work toward the things I wanted to do that I still can.

Do I hate him for this? No. I feel sorry for him in some ways. Steven will never have the peace of mind I have. Nor will he have the love and loyalty of friends and family that I have been so blessed with. I would like to believe that is because I have shown my friends and family the loyalty they have returned to me.

So - the time line goes as such...




Leah Adkins married Steven Arthur Hedlin, Sr. on April 26, 2008

Within 24 hours the drinking and verbal abuse began. In just over 24 hours he was screaming that he was leaving us - he didn't deserve to have to live with us. I wish he had.





I had been the sole support of our family financially. Steven got his first Pell grant check and went out drinking that night - Monday, October 27, 2008.










When Steven arrived home - intoxicated - he decided to throw another of his screaming fits. After calling me names for 15 to 20 minutes, with the vulgarities escalating, I decided I had taken enough and slapped him across the face as he was going toward his truck. I turned to tell him to never call me names like that again when he punched me.

These pictures are on hour after the assault and a day and a half after the assault respectively. I never hid the fact that I slapped him, but I think any woman would have. It was a slap, not a punch. There was no fist involved and it wasn't even hard enough to leave a mark. However, he punched me in the face and then grabbed me by the throat and screamed at me to never touch him again and then let me go.

I don't know how I stayed on my feet, but I managed. I can attest that one really does "see stars" in the form of bursts of light that are inexplicable.

Over the course of the next year, week, and day, Steven turned down plea deals four times, insisting it was self-defense and that I had "run into his hand" or he had "inadvertently hit me in the face" with his hand. He played games in the courtroom both during the criminal hearings and also during the Protective Order hearing. I think he honestly viewed himself as the victim and he still refused to admit he had a drinking problem.

Through it all, I missed seven months of work and will have four surgeries in exactly one year.

The only thing left is the sentencing hearing. I have been told I will be an active part of that. I'm ready, I think.

While I wish Steven no ill will, I would love to see him pay a price. I hope he can learn that his behavior is what causes the issues in his relationships, that his drinking is a major problem. He doesn't realize how many times he had black-out drunks while we were married. The situation is very sad!

I, however, am moving on. I have grown as an individual. I have learned to value and appreciate little things more. This has turned into a huge growing experience for me and I have made new goals and met other goals. There's still a long way to go, but I'll get there!

I am, in fact, LOVING life! Every day there is something to celebrate and I can see so many tiny miracles as the days go by!

Thank you, my friends!

And please, help me by raising your voice against domestic violence. Stop the yelling, the screaming, the threats, and the hitting, shoving, and pushing. If you see it, let it be known that it's not acceptable behavior. Love and peace start at home. We need to teach our sons and daughters this is NOT OKAY! Be the example!

Act from LOVE with PEACE!

What to believe?

For some time now I have struggled with religion. Just last night I was expressing to my friend that I have too much respect for the religion in which I was raised to make a mockery of it by pretending that I want a temple recommend. I don't feel secure enough in my belief system to want that. The last time I tried going to the temple for more peace of mind, it didn't work. I didn't feel anything and I didn't find any answers and it was really a let-down.

Giving it the benefit of the doubt, perhaps I was expecting too much. Maybe it was my fault and my mindset that left me empty and not the teachings, beliefs, and sharing of the temple. Either way, I have not yet felt any burning desire to return.

And I think I know why!

I have been pondering different points of religion. I do that quite often and anyone who has kept up on my posts is well aware that I do have religious undertones and overtones in some of my views. But I have not felt confident or comfortable with LDS teachings for some time. Sometimes I really think it is trying to separate the doctrine from the culture and the people. Sometimes I think it is the doctrine itself.

This week, for some unknown reason, I began another journey to understand Lilith. Is she real? Is she legend? Why is it that ancient civilizations recognized her but modern ones are far less likely to? Why is it that Lilith was vilified and by whom? Who would benefit from this? And why was she finally almost completely removed from modern scripture?

Ask almost any of my LDS neighbors about Adam's first wife and you will get a look of incredulous disbelief that anyone would have an opinion that Eve and only Eve was the one! And yet, as a friend pointed out, we believe that polygamy (and may we clarify the belief is actually polygyny for multiple wives, not true polygamy for multiple spouses of either gender) is an eternal law, therefore Adam would have had to exercise it to make it so. Why is it so hard to believe that he had more than one wife? Interesting concept!

I have struggled with going to church for years. I was usually bored there and didn't get much out of it. Some of that may be my yellow sanguine personality showing, but I can drive for miles and not get bored, why should an hour in church leave me so empty? I didn't outgrow it as an adult and usually spend that time in church writing. That's what I did last week when I went to the "Singles Ward" in Logan - I wrote. I looked around a room of LDS leftovers, I saw an energy that was very depressing, and I felt quite down and discouraged, so I wrote.

I don't believe God intended us to be leftovers. No, I don't think polygamy was intended to take care of that problem. I think we just forgot that love and - through that love - joy are the two most important aspects of religion. God didn't put in his scriptures that He wanted us to suffer and be down and feel discouraged. God did not put in his scriptures that he wanted us to fight to be "good enough" in this world. God did not make human havings or human doings but human beings. And sometimes religion takes that aspect of BEING - of EXISTING - of CONTRIBUTING just because - away from us as people.

Why do I enjoy circle? Because it is a beautiful place to give thanks, to show gratitude, to be joyful! It is a place where we ask blessings on those in need, but it is positive. We hurt with and for our "brothers and sisters" not because of them. And the concentration is gratitude and joy.

So, I was in the shower this morning and it finally came to me. (I admit to being one of those people that thinks things through regularly in the shower and that's often where I come up with some of my best ideas.) I don't see Heaven as a solemn place where things are "reverent" and "quiet" with harps strumming in the background. That is not a joyful scene to me. Dancing in the streets, greeting one another with jubilation and exuberance. THAT is how I see heaven!

We will have worked and worked hard to accomplish our goals and to meet again as family and friends in Heaven. Why would that be a solemn occasion? That would be like expecting the winner of the marathon to put cross quietly while everyone stood in silence. Now THERE is a picture of celebration for accomplishment, eh? I, for one, am going to be so thrilled to visit with each of my friends again that I will most likely be jumping up and down with anticipation, not solemnly watching so that I can quietly walk up and shake a hand before walking away!

So that's part of it. It's just too quiet and solemn. Life is to be celebrated! Yes, there are times when I am truly touched that I will sit in silence to show and deeper respect. Yes, there are times when solemnity is appropriate. I just don't thing it should be that way all through church.

Quiet contemplation has its place. Introspection has its place. One of the most inspiring and impressive times of my recent life was the moment of silence to honor those killed in the attacks on September 11, 2001. Sitting in a room packed with people of all ages and hearing nothing was startling and touching. Even so, one of the reasons it was so powerful was that it was so unusual.

Make a joyful noise does not equate to slow, depressing hymns for me. Sing it loud and strong and vibrant. Sing it alive and joyful, not as if I was mourning life. Even Jesus deserves to have joy when we sing of him! Yes, He died. And He mourned. And He cried. And He felt pain - overwhelming to even him. And He deserves to be celebrated! His sacrifice, His teachings, His life should bring us joy, not heartache!

When I die, I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to see my life as a celebration of all that's good. I want others to remember me as an upbeat and vibrant being willing to live in joy. And I want the people I leave behind to look forward to seeing me again! Not to dread it!!!

Maybe this is just rambling. Maybe I still haven't figured it all out. Maybe I just am able to view God as a loving, kind being instead of all hellfire and brimstone. I don't know why I struggle with religion - well, besides believing that monogamy and the current marital requirements are sometimes inappropriate - and why it weighs on me so much.

I envy those who have that knowing sometimes. More often I'm glad I'm me!

Celebrate life!

I think I'll skip church...

The Confusion about Lilith

I am confused. Yes, confused.

Up until a few years ago I had never heard of Lilith. And now I am fascinated.

Adam had a first wife? One that he couldn't dominate? One that left him because she was too independent to submit?

Why would that fascinate the likes of me? Hard to figure, eh?!?!

So, the general consensus seems to be in agreement on a few points. Lilith and Adam were created at the same time. They were not completely equal as Lilith knew the secret name of God and Adam did not. And Lilith flew away from Adam after uttering that name, so she is seen as a being with wings. That seems to be where the story separates.

Some describe Lilth as having the head of a jackal. Sounds Egyptian to me, eh? Some say she is a vampire, drinking the blood of infants. Some say she has the feet of an owl. Some say she is the plaything of Satan. Some say she is the mother of demons, while others say faeries and leprechauns. Some say she gives birth to the Djinn. Some say she takes on the form of a snake and some think it was more likely Lilith and not Satan that tempted Eve in the garden. Some say when she flew from Adam she went to the desert, some to the oceans.

Now, I'm having a bit of a struggle. Angels have wings. God creates good. Why is a being with wings that was created by God and did nothing wrong, other than to refuse to be subservient to a man, being villified in religion?

Was Lilith a real being? There's no reason she couldn't be. There is a belief that Lilith did not have to die as she left the garden of her own accord. Adam and Even were "punished" with physical death, however.

Why would God allow someone who is portrayed as evil to continue to exist and walk among us while those who were nearly blameless and had to commit sin to be able to continue His plan were punished?

WHY has reference to Lilith been hidden or completely removed from modern scripture? Who is she a threat to and why?

I may never know. It may never really matter. Even so, I prefer, being a rather strong-willed and independent woman myself, to view Lilith as a guardian angel for women. I see her as giving hope. She escaped from male captivity and continued on, whole and complete and fearsome!

Want more information on Lilith?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith
www.lilitu.com/lilith/lilit.html
www.asphodel-long.com/html/lilith.html
us.geocities.com/qlilith/lilith_legend.html
www.donnajacobsife.com/the-lillith-complex/
www.associatedcontent.com/article/337493/the_legend_of_lilith_did_adam_have.html?cat=37
www.geocities.com/Wellesley/Garden/4240/alphabet.html
http://www.physics.sfsu.edu/~senglish/stories/eve.html

How errant have I been!?!?!

So, life has a way of happening when we least expect it and in ways we don't necessarily desire. For example, I would have preferred Baby Dox wait for me to be there and that he had come out fully baked, but life saw things differently and I am most thankful to have Baby Dox with us and relatively well!

Life has been coming at me gangbusters for over a year now. I wouldn't want to take the "stress test" that has one mark the experiences they have had in a year as I would be off the scale and really rather intimidated by the results, I am certain. I would far rather look at the last year or two with a smile, laugh at all the crazy things that have bombarded me, and carry on. Life happens - deal with it!

That is my excuse as to why it is that I have not written more consistently, especially since returning to work. I have started my first book, which I hope to publish as soon as time and money permit, but have written far less than I intended both on my manuscript and here. I will do better!

As for what has been keeping me from following through, that is for another day with more time to spare. Let's just say life happens and leave it at that!

Oh, and keep smiling!

Baby Dox has gone home!

Miracles happen every day!

Life itself is a miracle and anyone who has watched Baby Dox grow and develop over the last few weeks can testify to this with great assurity!

Updates on my grandson, Doxford...

I am so far away from my sweet daughter and her incredible husband and their sweet baby boy. It is too far!

When I heard what had happened, I immediately left and took the next two days off so that I could be in Murray with them. I was so glad I had made that decision as those kids were dealing with so much! TOO much for such a young couple so newly married!

Now I am forced to be home. After all, as my mother so caringly pointed out, I do have OTHER children at home. And other responsibilities. My house is a mess, I've already missed too much work this year because of my own injuries, and my car registration expires today. That's just the beginning! What is next?

Well, they finally did a barrage of tests on little Doxford yesterday. Last night I was notified by my daughter that they are certain of brain damage, but the nurse practitioner wouldn't tell them how much or what kind. Now Katrina is worrying that it is severe and that's why they have to talk to the specialist.

And through all this I'm over 100 miles away and helpless!

I just can't get uptight. I'm trying really hard! I slept last night, had some strange dreams but I slept. I feel such a calm in my heart and soul that I do not believe there is anything major wrong or anything that can't be overcome! Too much points to a positive outcome.

So far, they know that the liver was damaged but the doctors are sure it will and is recovering. The tests for kidney, heart, and lung problems are coming back positive. The EEG - measuring brain activity - returned with "minor abnormalities" so why would I believe that the brain damage is severe? I just can't. It doesn't equate to the results coming back on everything else.

I wish I could express to my kids just how I feel and why. They don't need me right now, though, because they have each other and this is just another hurtle they can take together.

They all are such in need of prayers and positive energy.

I'm the GRANDMA!!!`

Doxford Roger Bascom made an early arrival on June 23, 2009 - five weeks before we were expecting him! He was five pounds two ounces and 18 inches long. He is struggling and fighting with the help of his Mommy, Daddy, the medical personnel and the prayers of friends, family, and strangers!

Going through this week has been challenging, at best and I will write more about it when I've had some sleep...

Why did I wait so long?

Truth be told, I looked and never even tried, the Dreamweaver "chairs" at Summerfest. They were incredibly interesting to me and very tempting, but I was afraid to even sit in one. And for some reason I decided this was the year. I was not only going to try it, I was going to buy one!

And four times on Friday I went to their booth to buy one. And four times they weren't there.

I had decided the fates were just against me and it wasn't my year after all when I suddenly had time on my hands when they scheduled my Saturday afternoon shift due to heavy rain. And I went to Summerfest in the pouring rain with no umbrella just for my chair. And they were almost completely packed down, but happily unpacked enough that I could get what it was I wanted.

I had studied the website in preparing for Summerfest (http://www.dreamweavershammocks.com/) and had considered colors. I was psyched to buy and did so without ever trying the product. I also put off putting it up - since the hooks were already installed, a five minute project - until Sunday. Perhaps I still felt slight trepidation at sitting in a woven chair.

This is the best thing I have done for myself in ages! My boys are fighting me for time in the chair. After sitting for hours in a broken bus seat last night, which caused me extreme pain from my waist to my ankles, I came home and sat in the chair in the dark with the cool breezes blowing on me, and I relaxed.

And I slept better than I have in ages without the leg cramps and problems I usually have at night. Interesting!

That's the best Father's day present I ever gave myself, even if I am the Mom!

A few moments of silence...

It has been rare, but is becoming more common, that I get a few moments of silence at my house. With more than half my children gone - how does one halve five? - and the two left here all the time being busy and active, I find I get a few moments of silence to think, to relax, and to process on occasion. I enjoy these moments!

I just thought I'd share this one with you.

Ahhhhh.......

The frustrations of court...

The court system is bogged down. It's a given. And the former Cache County Attorney, George Daines, did us no favors when he stepped down. If he had been interested in what was best for Cache County, he would have either NOT RUN or FINISHED THE TERM HE VOLUNTEERED FOR.

But, enough of that.

I was assaulted on October 27, 2008. My first court date was January 28, 2009. That was only three months and one day after the assault. Seemed a little drawn out for something that was pretty cut and dried, but... And he was offered the plea deal and turned it down and then his attorney asked for a few more weeks to prepare.

A few weeks turned into March 17.

So almost five months after the fact, the preliminary hearing was held. The evidence was presented and the judge felt there was enough to formally charge him with the assault, but was unclear on the laws on the other charge. So, we moved to another court date - April 20.

Now we have hit nearly six months and the prosecution has been mixed up because of the situation Mr. Daines left behind and somehow it got overlooked and the second charge is dropped and they have offered the plea deal for the third time and he has turned it down for the third time.

And the judge sets the jury trial for June 5. And I can see a light at the end of the tunnel seven and a half months after the incident.

And Steven can't get along with his attorney and wants a new one.

And we are reset for May 11 with instructions to Steven what he needs to do.

And I have discovered an address so I can FINALLY file for divorce. Note - April 20 this occurs. He will have 20 days to respond or I will be granted my divorce by default once he is served.

And I show up the following week to find out if he's been served and discover that he was served on April 25 and 20 days will land on my birthday - the day I turn 45 I can be given MY name back - best birthday present ever! YES!

And I show up for court on May 11 and check with the clerk and Steven still has not responded - three more days to wait!

And in court, the judge did not get the required documents, even though Steven turned them in to the courts on April 29, according to the stamp on his letter to the judge, and he had also delivered copies to his attorney and the prosecuting attorney's office. And it is continued for one week.

So on May 18 I check in with the clerk concerning the divorce and am told that the judge wants information that I don't have access to. I write a response to the judge, requesting that he grant my divorce and explaining why I have no access to the information, but referring him to both the protective order and the criminal case.

And I go to court. And my advocate is on vacation and the advocate that was supposed to take her place is stuck in her office on another case and I am there all alone.

And Steven and his daughter come in and Steven sits RIGHT BEHIND ME! Yeah. RIGHT behind me.

And the docket is longer than usual and taking longer than usual and my stress levels are out of this world and I can't get the bailiff to look at me so I can let them know that Steven is NOT supposed to be that close to me and I am hearing him breathing in my ear and I looked around the room.

And I noticed that the six bailiffs in the room were armed. And I paid attention to the myriad of video cameras that are all the way around the room. And I figured that if he did anything to me there he was really in trouble. And I started doing deep breathing and calming myself down and - well, to make a long story short - I'm still alive! And HE moved. Only one row back and still directly behind me - but he moved!

And he is given a new attorney and the jury trial on June 5 is cancelled and another pre-trial hearing is set for June 15.

And I am still married. And this STINKS!

And I check back with the courts on May 20 and on May 22 and on May 26 and all they know is the judge still has the divorce papers and nothing has been done.

And on May 27 I go back in and my friend, Rachel, who works for the court is all grins! "I'll go grab it," she says, and I know it's done!

Ends up the papers were signed one week after I turned 45 - May 21, 2009 - and I am now legally single! This is a day to celebrate!

And again I show up in court - this time with my advocate - and Steven sits on the other side of the room and nothing has changed.

Same plea deal - turned down for the fourth time - and the jury trial is set for August 28.

A jury is - at this point - scheduled to hear this case TEN MONTHS AND ONE DAY after the incident.

WHERE IS JUSTICE???

I have been a prisoner in my own home and he has been running free - he has never done a minute of jail time for what he did to me - and nearly a year goes by before I can put closure on this?!?!?!?!

Now I can attempt to enjoy my summer while wondering what game he will try to play now.

I will update in August - believe me!

And don't get me wrong, I appreciate the court system and what they are trying to get done for me! It's a sad thing that the courts are so overwhelmed with prisoners and problems. It is also a sad commentary on the system when this has to be done to protect the defendants rights - and the "victim" is re-victimized by the very entity that is trying to protect and defend them.

I am just holding on to the hope that it will all be okay in the end!

The overwhelming excitement of internet dating sites.

It's a horrible sign of desperation when one starts actually looking at online dating sites. Says too much about who I hang out with and where, eh?

I have, so far, completely crossed two out of the running. TRUE and eHarmony. Both for different reasons and yet for the same. Both are interested in collecting money and neither is interested in providing the goods and services promised. Poor customer service isn't a way to run any business!

Others are expensive. Some are just filled with folks that make sure you KNOW why it is that they are on an online dating site! My friend, Roger, showed me that from the women he'd been getting messages from. (Don't worry, Roger is real and a friend for over 30 years who is really awesome!) In fact, it was because of Roger that I decided to try this and see what appeared.

Don't get me wrong, Roger and I are proof there are real people, good people on these sites, but finding my ex-husband's profile (while we were still very married - the papers hadn't even been filled out, much less filed) on MATCH was a shocker!

It also showed how much "screening" was actually done. His entire profile was filled with lies from the number of marriages to the number of children to the amount he has to file taxes on to his career. Now, every time I read over a profile, I wonder how much of it is real and how much is some man's delusions of grandeur!

I'm starting to think they had it right in previous generations - castle balls are professed to work on occasion and the town matchmaker may have been more of a service than recognized!

Hmmmm.... Information super-highway, you are creating some speed bumps! The closest thing to a castle ball I've seen online is the Dee's Dances webpage!

The hurt in my heart...

I got work yesterday that my friend had passed on. It was a shock as he was far too young to have made that move and I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it.

The rumors were circulating by today. Rumor had it that he had taken his own life. The feelings that have flooded through me over the last 24 hours are really amazing. I cried. I drove and I cried.

There was denial. Like I said, he was far too young. And then to hear he had possibly done this to himself was too much. Denial came back again and again as I fought to accept that this might be a possibility. He was such a happy person, so full of life. How could he be gone?

I got angry. Over six months of my life are gone. Six months taken by a controlling monster who nearly killed me. Six months that I was unable to interact with this man who I have known for over 20 years along with all my other friends. WHY? Why this week when I have to drive past the stop where I have picked him up for the last four years time and time again? Why has nothing been done to the man who kept me from enjoying the last seven months of my friends association? Yes, I got really angry on many levels.

Joy that I had been able to share a little piece of my friends life.

Deep sorrow. Very deep sorrow as I considered those still left behind. His family will feel the loss even more deeply and intensely than I have. My heart hurts for them.

The confusion of what could have brought this wonderful man to a sad end. I remember many years ago the despair. I have felt it at various times in my life. But, as I reflect now, I am so amazed at the blessed life I have lived. I would have missed so much had I given in to that despair.

My emotions have run the gamut. I'm sure it will continue. I will miss my friend. Missing him and knowing how much more his family will miss him is what has caused the hurt in my heart.

Someday, my friend, I hope to see you again!

Friends - family of choice?

I have a wonderful family of origin, for the most part. It is a rather small family, especially for where we live, but it's nice enough. I have pleasant memories of my grandparents - the ones I knew - and aunts and uncles and I was fortunate enough to have a really awesome father who was my best friend when I was a teen and beyond.

Perhaps it is because my family is so small that I have been so willing to "adopt" other family members. They are my family of choice! Sometimes, like our "real" family, I choose to "disinherit" some of my extraneous family members. And, like all relationships, there is an ebb and flow to interactions and such.

Even so, I am incredibly blessed by the family of choice that I have! I could never have made it through the last 20 years without the incredible friends I have.

Many of my extended "family-of-choice" members are young people. I have been called Auntie Leah and Mom by more young people than I could ever have imagined! On many occasions I have looked over a group of younger folks after hearing "Auntie Leah, Auntie Leah" and have thought I have more nieces and nephews than people with LOTS of brothers and sisters, and I have none!

There are also the nieces and nephews that were "legally" mine during marriages I have kept. I love them, even if I'm not still legally tied to their families and I love to see them grow. I appreciate that they will, for the most part, accept me as still a part of their family, too!

My children's youngest stepbrother, who passed away from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, accepted me as his "step mom" just because. That really was sweet and touched my heart!

The most difficult loss of my last divorce were my three "grandchildren" and their family.

So my life is filled with the beauty and energy of young people, even if it may be from afar, as they come into my family of choice realm.

There are some people in my family of choice that would be closer to my own age. Friends I have had for something close to forever. Some are like brothers and sisters, some like cousins, and some might even be former spouses, but all are family. I love them and appreciate them all and they add joy to my days on this planet.

Some of my favorite people in my FOC are those older than me. These are people I have learned from who have enriched my knowledge, confidence, and life without realizing how much they mean to me. One of my favorite people ever was Hazel Hancock who was a second mother to me for so many years!

Some of these people were parents and grandparents of my friends and some were people I had the joy of meeting and connecting with as an adult. These are people I admire and respect. These are people I go to for advice and support. These are people I hope to emulate in some way and I hope to have some influence on those younger than me, as they have influenced my life in a positive way.

I have discovered that my "family" of choice is as crucial to me as my family of origin - sometimes even more crucial. I love them all - even though I don't get to spend the time with any of them I'd like to. Life has moved on and we have all moved on. Some have even passed on to - what I hope is - a better place.

I just want to say THANK YOU ALL to my family - my family of origin and my family of choice!

Don't judge me...

Could it be possible that our perceptions based on our own value system are not always appropriate or informed?

Many years ago I learned to tell myself, "I will not 'should' on myself today." It meant something very similar to how it sounded.

How many times do each of us ruin our own days by concentrating on what "should" have occurred? Each individual has the ability, if they have the desire, to reconsider these actions against them self and create a more positive internal environment. Yes, it's all in your head!

My problem came in when it was a co-worker whose internal value system "should" on me!

What was happening was stressful enough without the additional pressure of knowing my own co-worker was judging what I was doing that day without even considering the external reasons - things out of my control!

You see, it is true that every driver should leave the Transit Center at the exact time they are scheduled to leave. For most routes that is on the hour and the half hour. We are all equipped with a clock set to the second so that we can accomplish this feat. On occasion a clock is off and then it gets a little crazy, but overall the clocks are identical down to the second based on the atomic clock that updates every clock in every bus and every office at the same time.

There are times that it is just not possible to accomplish this, no matter how much one wants to or intends to. There are passenger issues, traffic issues and bus issues that can influence that. There are also, at times, personal issues - like not being off the bus for four hours and the bladder is screaming - that can also create a glitch in the system. IT happens! And, at one time or another, it happens to all of us.

Recently I was driving a route that was so slow because of the decrease in passenger load that I could leave at the :02 and :32 and still wait at the time spot midway through. I chose to leave at the :02 and :32 to allow passengers running a little behind to catch my route and get to their destination more efficiently. It made sense to me to wait the two minutes allowed at the TC for customer service.

Unfortunately my co-worker did not see it quite that way. He was, apparently, angered by the fact that I was not leaving at :01:00 and :31:00 and was upset enough by this to go to management. My management did not see it as an issue - at least that is what I was lead to believe as I was never spoken with about said issue. This, from what I was told, only managed to upset my co-worker further.

All I can say is this, getting upset over something so simple and out of his control wasn't good for his health and when he told me about it, it wasn't good for my attitude!

What is the reason that people cannot accept that they are NOT in control of others? I can control myself. I can control my children to an extent, but any parent knows it isn't easy and kids will do what they want! All I can do is teach them and hope they listen.

Controlling other adults - or attempting to - results in nothing but problems. The ONLY person anyone can control is them self.

That being said - DON'T JUDGE ME!

I am doing the best I can and there are reasons I choose to do what I choose to do and choose not to do other things. If someone else is upset by my choices, then they can ask me about WHY or tell me they did not appreciate my choices, but calling names and judging is not the way to handle it, in my opinion!

Stop "should"ing on yourself and others and make it a better world!

WHY???

I just don't get it. WHY is it that people are so cruel?

I had an experience tonight that really hurt my heart. I would never have known about it had the other individual involved not felt so strongly I had been wronged by them and wanted to let me know what had been said so they could apologize.

Why? If they were sorry, why did they have to repeat it so that I would be aware of the hurtful things that were said?

On the other hand, I have to respect the individual for having the guts to openly admit what they said and did and why. I don't think I could have.

Even so, why is it we all have our moments when we act human and say and do things that are so very cruel?

More to come...

I currently have 13 - yes, THIRTEEN - posts in draft mode. I have been so overwhelmed with this strange work schedule that I fear I have fallen behind. Always check back and back and back dates because I don't finish up and post in order - obviously if I have 13 posts in draft mode!

Starting next week my schedule should be a bit more stable and I will make a valid attempt at finishing up and getting ahead!

The joys of DIVORCE!!!

Yes, it is finalized! Apparently the judge signed the decree on May 21 and it took until yesterday for it to get entered into the system.

I no longer have to be saddled with the same name as the man who took seven months of my life after disrupting almost a year before that. It is such a relief to know that something has made it through the court system, as well.

Either way, today is closure for the second step! YES!!!

What in the world???

Okay, so I've had odd experiences my whole life, but having some nice young man hit on me is almost more than my little brain can handle.

I am honestly having a really rough time wrapping my brain around the idea that I have some guy in his early 20's coming on to me and really pushing it! It is, of course, flattering, but confusing, too.

Not quite what I had expected...

So, I'm at work. I'm blogging from work. "How does that happen when you are driving a bus," you may ask.

I will tell you. I'm not driving! Not exactly what I expected.

One problem with the bus system is the fluctuation of seasons, days, holidays, patterns, and other things. Saturdays can be very busy. Saturdays can also be very NOT busy. Today happens to be one of the NOT busy days on the Call-A-Ride routes. I am supposed to be driving CAR 2. That means I have no rides, BUT...

Another problem with the system is we are very public. The Transit Center is open, air conditioned, and the meeting point for all the buses coming and going on fixed routes. That means we can also be the focal point for gang graffiti, fights, arguments, and other "interesting" encounters. We have all kinds of people from all walks of life that get together here and I am the overseer for this morning. With everything that has been happening lately, I do not see that as a particularly boring experience.

Besides, after so much time being rather sedentary, I can use the regular walks!

If all else fails, I can finish up some of my older blogs that have just been waiting over the last few weeks for me to have the time to work on them!

The losses I feel...

I finally got back to work and it was a very happy day! Of course, I was working very strange shifts, but it brought my "grandson" back into my life for a few brief moments, so it was worth it!

As I was getting off my bus, I heard a wee voice calling me. I looked up and there was Steven's grandson, Uriah, coming toward me. I was so incredibly happy to see him! I really miss Uriah and his parents and his baby brother and sister, who turned one in March and I still haven't been able to see them and take their presents to them. I have been advised to put off my visit until the court case is over and Steven's antics continue to put that time further and further out.

This is where I feel great loss!

I enjoyed being Grandma to Uriah and the twins. I enjoyed visiting with their mother and her extended family. Uriah fits just between my sons, and they have missed his company as well.

When I saw him, I had to give Uriah a great big hug and I told him how much I loved him and missed him and then I cried.

The assault was a violent and painful experience. The aftermath has been even worse, however, and missing my extended family that is no longer mine - that's painful!

I hope they know, even though I can't really be around them right now, that I love them all!

Work...

Back to work and really wearing out fast. I will build it up soon, though! Up at 4:30 a.m. again and feeling great about it! Wish it could stay this way, but I go to nights on June 1.

Court today. Just praying it isn't continued again or the trial isn't rescheduled. I want this thing OVER!

Empowerment and decisions

When I first struggled through the assault, I went through a whole huge range of emotions. I mourned, I questioned, I held onto hope, and I got angry. I didn't get really angry until Steven was out of jail - nor was I afraid as long as I knew he was behind bars. It was when I found out he was out that I had my first burst of anger and then I didn't sleep for about two or three days, especially after he showed up at my house, because I was terrified and saw him hit me again every time I closed my eyes.

And it was then that I made up my mind, and I have continued with this resolve throughout the ordeal, that I was not going to allow him to win this one. I was not going to quit living my life. There was no way what he did to me would take any quality of life from me in the long term.

Getting behind the wheel of a bus last night, I felt so emotionally and physically empowered. Words cannot begin to say all that went through my mind, body, and heart!

Back to work and it's crazy!

So, I go back to drive my first shift today. The problem with this is, I'm not going to have my own shift until June 1 so my schedule is insane!

I may not be online much while I am adjusting...

Wish me luck and I look forward to being in touch with my friends again soon!

Birthday wishes...

It's been a great day!

I spent the day being lazy and then I got my hair done, visited with some friends, ate pizza and now I'm ready for bed. Got to get up early tomorrow!

The one thing I wanted for my birthday, I didn't get. The judge hasn't been able to sign my divorce papers yet. They are ready to go up to the judge's desk, but the courts are a little behind. I just want this OVER!

Even though it hasn't been signed, it does appear that it is a done deal and no responses. Not a bad birthday present!

The next year will be an ever better year! I'm excited to be 45!

Post dental perceptions...

Dang, my mouth hurts!

It was actually a very positive experience. Dr. Harris has now had enough experience with me that he knows how to numb me and only had to re-dose me once.

I'm going back in two weeks to have things finished, but the worst is over! THANK GOODNESS!!!

Now, to get through the pain in my jaw...

Going to the Dentist...

and I was I could skip it!

I'm suffereing some anxiety.

Monday, Monday....

So, today I have a great deal going on. I'm not sure where I'm going to find the time when I go back to work to do anything! How do I do this?

This morning, once I get the boys off to school, I will be getting ready to go to court. It's just another hearing, not any big deal. It could, however, change the date of the jury trial. That's why I go is just to see what is happening in my life next! The last experience was so amusing, that I'm almost looking forward to this today!

Then I will be doing an hour long "drive around" with the road supervisor. It is just a test and a chance to get behind the wheel again. I'm really looking forward to it! It feels so good to be behind the wheel of a bus! I have so missed it!!!

I will then have a few things to take care of in town and will be spending a little time with my oldest daughter and her husband before they head back toward the south with the dog.

Altogether a busy day! I also have laundry to get through, a kitchen to get cleaned, and overall cleaning and straightening to accomplish. There's plenty to keep my going!

A week from today I will be starting my split shifts. I will start work about 5 in the morning and finally get off for the day about 8:30 or 9:00 in the evening. THAT is when my life will really get interesting!

After a couple of weeks of that, things should calm down and I should be able to get a schedule going! Well, until it all changes again!

The only constant this world has is constant change!

Debating religion...

I was recently described as an enigma. Interesting concept.

Me, an enigma. I like it.

We were discussing religion. I don't discuss religion much, but I had mentioned that I was enjoying visiting with friends that were not fanatical where it came to their religion, if you want to call it that. My long time Pagan friends are some of the most down-to-earth, loving, caring and accepting people I know. I find it interesting that it is my Pagan friends that tend to live a life that reminds me of what my Christian upbringing taught.

Perhaps that is why my friend Jennifer finds me to be such an enigma.

After all, I'm a good Utah Mormon girl. The descendant of some of the early pioneers. I have a history on my father's side of the family tied closely to the LDS church. My mother, on the other hand, was raised in the south and attended multiple meetings with many different congregations before she finally settled on the LDS church as being where her beliefs were.

I was raised LDS and was very strong in my beliefs growing up. The problem was, I had gifts that didn't seem to mesh with the LDS belief system for my mother. There were things she just didn't understand. She told me my gifts were evil and bad. That equated - especially in my mind - to me being evil and bad. These weren't things I had any control over, these were things I was born with. I did my best to squash them and make my mother happy.

How incredibly stupid of me! However, I was a child and was following the misinformed fears of my mother in an attempt to gain her approval and love. Wait - perhaps naive, but still a stupid thing to do!

So, what transpires is this - I am squashing the gift God gave me to keep my mother happy with her religious views which, in turn, left me feeling I was missing something. That should have been the first clue, but trying to live up to my mother's expectations was more important when I was a small child and teen than trying to realize who God had made me.

And then, in all honesty, I developed a resentment for the emptiness and pressure I felt by the religious understanding of my mother being pushed on me, and, in turn, the religion.

I had been taught to fear the beliefs of others but to respect them as well. My father encouraged me to learn about other religions and to attend services from other denominations. He taught me to learn tolerance, understanding, and appreciation.

I found peace in my soul when my Pagan/Wiccan friends taught me to accept the gifts God had bestowed upon me. When I accepted myself, my abilities, my challenges, then I developed understanding of what I had and was able to find inner peace.

As odd as it may sound it was the Pagan influence that helped me appreciate the God I had been taught about my whole life. They are very closely related - the LDS religion is the Christian sect most closely related to Paganism in beliefs and understanding - and I have other friends that have found the answers by combining the two.

It's true, I'm NOT the only one!

I consider myself a "witch" by nature and a "Mormon" by nurture. It works for me. I have embraced my "gifts" that God gave me and understand that I was made perfect for me, for my life, for what I am to do, and for who and what I am. I have developed a greater understanding of religion, of spirituality, and of myself. What can be wrong with something that creates such a positive internal environment?

Perhaps I am an enigma. I don't see it because it makes sense to me. I am perfectly able to pay homage to my Father while participating in circle and I can appreciate the religious teachings of my parents and forefathers better than before.

I still struggle with the religious ramifications of marriage, however that may just be a personal issue better addressed in another place or another time.

The ins and outs of a road trip to Wyoming.

I love to drive!

I always have. It never bothered me to make the drive back and forth when I lived in Evanston. I worked through the BATC and also in Smithfield, attended school at BATC and USU, kept my doctor in Logan and my hairdresser in Richmond after I had moved to Wyoming.

Lately I haven't been able to road trip much, other than when I was taken to Salt Lake to the doctor. It has been over a year since I have made the pilgrimage to Evanston. It's been far longer since I have enjoyed the blues of Bear Lake, so when Callista asked if I could take her for a job interview, I jumped at the chance. Knowing I had business in Evanston, I just figured we could make it a circle and spend the day relaxing and visiting on the road.

We loaded up, Callista, Thomas and me, and headed out, stopping for fuel and breakfast in Logan. The canyon was beautiful and there were rock climbers and campers throughout. It's still a little chilly in the upper levels and the snow along the road was dirty, but still there. White patches gleamed out from under the trees. The river was rushing and the water was pouring out of Logan Cave.

I told Thomas stories about the canyon and the cave. He talked about the litter along the road and how it hurts him. Thomas is adamant that litter needs to be banned and we all need to appreciate Mother Nature and the Earth for all they do for us. He shows some really awesome insights.

As he was talking, Callista started to become more and more amused. She was grinning and trying not to giggle, but he didn't know. Finally, Thomas announced, with great seriousness, "Someday, if I become President, I'm going to put an end to all this litter commotion!"

That was it! Callista busted out laughing and Thomas was quite offended. "I am SERIOUS," he insisted.

"I know, Thomas," she replied, "I'm not laughing at what you are saying. I've just never heard you use the word 'commotion' before!"

One can well imagine, our trip was filled with singing, conversation, giggling and fun with Thomas interrupting on a regular basis to ask questions and make comments.

We stopped in Bear Lake and Thomas soon made friends with the son of Callista's boss. They are similar in age and neither could be referred to as shy! They were down on the beach playing in the water before too long but after jumping on the trampoline and exploring other options closer to the house. When Callista was done, she retrieved Thomas from the beach, coming back covered in water and sand, and we continued on.

We took side trips to check things out, but not many, and looked at the cows and antelope that were prolific along the way.

When we reached Randolph, I decided to check and see if I could find the home of a friend I hadn't seen in years. I didn't realize how many years until I was told she had broken her back three years ago! Some friend I've been... So, yes, I found her house and had a visit.

The good news was, her daughter, who I remembered as a tiny girl who was fighting for her life, is now a mom. That, in and of itself, hit me as a miracle! And what a beautiful little girl she is!

Back on the road we went. I called my ex's "wife" to let her know we were leaving Randolph and arrange a time and place to meet them. We watched for rabbits, antelope, and cattle. We saw horses, antelope, rabbits, dead deer, sheep, goats, and lots of cattle. Bulls, steers, calves, and cows everywhere. Callista questioned where all the cows were coming from the thousands and thousands we were passing! And, I fear, it was no exaggeration!

On the way into Evanston, I made contact with Jennifer, the person I had headed over there to meet with in the first place, and John called me. John lives in Granger, Wyoming, but was in Evanston with his kids. I told him where I would be and he offered to meet us there. Instead, he got lost and ended up finding me at Subway, where we went to grab sandwiches for lunch, and following me to the park. I didn't have a whole lot of time to visit with him, however, as my time was tied up with other things.

Thomas's father, Jim, was at the park with his live-in girlfriend, Annetta, and all the Christmas presents. It was very good to see Annetta and Thomas enjoyed visiting with Jim. They went down to the ice ponds and caught crawdads and watched them in the water. They talked and played and shared Thom's meatball sub. And we opened Thom's Christmas presents. It was the first "Christmas" Thomas had shared with his father since he was four.

And Annetta got to share her first and last "Christmas" with Thom.

That is the downside. Annetta's health is in crisis. Her doctors are telling her four to six months. Her joints, heart, lungs and now liver are all shutting down. I am very sad. Annetta is a good woman, a sweet person, who has taken care that Jim did right - well, somewhat - for my boys. She is open and honest with me and the only real source of communication I have between Jim and Thomas. And she has become my friend.

They are moving to Las Vegas in under a month. Thomas may see his father once more, if I can take him to Evanston on a Sunday between now and then. That will probably be the last time. Annetta won't be there to encourage contact and Jim won't be bothered. It's bittersweet, at best.

After we agreed that I would try and get him over there one more time, we continued on to Jennifer's.

There was, as usual, a crowd at Jennifer's. We spent a little time trying to visit in the midst of preparations for a surprise party. It didn't work so well. I did get to catch up some with my other friend, Reesie, which was nice. I picked up the paperwork I had come to get and we hit the highway headed back home. This time we went through Ogden and stuck to the Interstate route.

I made it back to Sky View just in time to catch Shannon's performance in Pirates of Penzance for Smithfield's Health Days.

It was a great day overall. I was surrounded by my family, good friends, nature and beauty. My heartbreak for Annetta will last awhile. My heartbreak for my son - I'm his mom, it's to be expected.

But far more will be the joy that I shared that one day - and a road trip - with people I love!

It's important to focus on the positives...

in ourselves and others!

Have you ever really admired someone, looked up to them, thought highly of them in one or more ways and been too intimidated by that to tell them?

That lack of self confidence has kept me many times from expressing to my friends, family, co-workers, associates, or acquaintances how much I admired them and how much they had added to my life. I finally realized, at some point, that my lack of self confidence should never keep me from sharing something positive with someone else. One never knows if it will make a real difference or not, but I have yet to find anyone who doesn't like to hear something honest and heartfelt that is positive about them.

Since then I have tried to express how much the people in my life have meant to me. I'm not always good at it. I value the people around me very much most of the time.

My accident created a situation where I was forced to catch a ride with a woman I have known for years. I lived next door to her at one point, but was always intimidated by her. She seemed to be far too affluent for me. She had a beautiful home, was a very attractive woman, had a stable marriage and a wonderful family.

I was struggling through a bad marriage with too many little children and actually lost my marriage and my job while living next door. I couldn't see any reason, especially at that time in my life, why this woman would want to have anything to do with me unless it was pure pity.

I have found a good friend and we giggle LOTS! She shares some really funny stories with me and I enjoy and look forward to the time I spend with her. On the way home one night I told her that I had always admired her but had been too intimidated by her to try and be friends. It wasn't an easy admission to make. And her reaction was far from what I expected!

I have learned that one never knows when someone else needs a boost. And if I can give that boost, what right do I have to keep that back?

What we focus on in life is what we get.

I choose to focus on the positives!

Road trip!

Not much of a road trip, but I'm heading out to Bear Lake and then Wyoming and then back all today. I have to be back by 7:00 tonight, but can't leave until about 9:30 this morning.

Even so, this is the first real road trip I've had in over a year. I'm really looking forward to this run.

The sad thing is, my son's father lives in Wyoming. I promised to get him there for his belated Christmas as soon as I could. His father isn't at all enthused about seeing Thomas, however. It breaks my heart.

His father's girlfriend is so excited to see us all that I can't say no. And this is probably the last time Thomas will see his father. I found out yesterday afternoon that the man is moving to Las Vegas. He doesn't come see his son, I always transport him, and I've got no reason to go to Vegas.

The girlfriend, my friend, is very ill and it sounds like she will move on to a better world soon. That will be difficult, too. I like her and I trust her. I will miss her! It is for her health that they are making this move to a warmer climate and they are hoping the medical care will be better. For her sake, I hope it works!

So, this is a happy trip and a sad trip.

But it is a road trip and I am so ready to be back on the road!

But all I wanted to do was go back to work!

Different jobs have different requirements. Some require an associates degree, some a bachelors, some higher education, residency, internships, a high school diploma, and some - just the ability to breathe will get you in the door!

My job requires that I work closely with the public. My job requires that I serve our clients and customers. My job also can be, in all honesty, life and death. That means I have certain things I have to be able to show I can do to prove I can do my job.

Yesterday I had another physical for my DOT certification. Like I hadn't been seeing enough doctors! I had to take a drug test - the one test I know I can pass without even studying.

I will be doing a drive check on Monday to show I can still operate a bus in and out of traffic.

All I want to do is go back to work! It's been six and a half months of waiting and working to be able to get back to it. The hurry up and wait is really frustrating!

I can, finally, answer the question, "When will be you back?" with a more definitive, "June 1 I will be taking over my own shift." There is only one problem with that, my shift is now nights and June 2 my daughter graduates from high school an hour and a half into my shift. June 4 I will resume my position as president of the Safety Solutions Team, meaning I have to be in SST meeting two and a half hours into my shift, so I will be required to find a replacement for the first half of that shift. June 5 is when the jury trial is set and I am going to have to be there as a witness. That is an all-day experience!

All I want to do is go back to work. I showed up at the office jumping for joy (literally) and waving my letter of release around. That was Wednesday. Thursday I did what I could, including attending SST meeting, and today I am stuck in the "What next?" phase.

Guess I wait again.

Why do drug tests take so long to grade?

The value of a friend...

I am a very wealthy woman! I, quite honestly, am up to my eyeballs in debt, have no current income, and still can say I am a very wealthy woman. I have something far more valuable than money. I have friends!

Last December I had just had my second surgery on my eye, I had barely started to get anything from my short-term disability so I was scrambling to pay several bills, I had no independence and had to have other people take me everywhere and be with me almost constantly. It was a very difficult time for me physically and emotionally.

One afternoon one of my co-workers brought his wife and their brand new baby to visit. It was the Monday before Christmas and they brought me a card. I didn't really care much about the card, but it was so good to see some friends! Even so, I opened the card and as I pulled it out, multiple bills spilled out onto my couch. I looked up at Devin and said, "What is this?" because I know what kind of money we make.

"The card isn't from us," he quickly explained, "it's from work. We just brought it up to see you."

I am not one to cry in front of people and I was more interested in the baby and her parents than the money, so I stuffed it back in the card and put it to the side. Devin and Liz happily let me hold their sweet Maggie while we visited. I am really foggy about what we talked about, but I was happy. Having them share their baby and their time with me meant so much right then.

After Devin and his little family left, I picked the envelope up again. The card was made special for me by one of my co-workers and many of them had written their well wishes and names. I felt so loved at a time that was so bleak! It gave me a happy heart!

As I counted the money, the first person I thought of was another co-worker, Chris, who had suffered a minor stroke just two weeks after I had been hit. I had $350 in my hand - more than too much - and I was wondering if I shouldn't be sharing it. I called a couple of family members to tell them what had happened and I couldn't help it, the tears flowed freely!

Later on, I found out the rest of the story. LaNae had made Chris and I both cards on her computer and had asked our manager, Nathan, if a collection could be taken to help his family and mine have a better Christmas. In a matter of a few days, during a time of economic stress and holiday spending, they had collected $700. Two of our co-workers volunteered to deliver our two cards and they wanted to make sure we had the money before Christmas to help out.

My family had a wonderful Christmas this year. We were showered with blessings from friends, family and strangers. My best present, however, had been the caring that had been shown by some of the most wonderful people on the planet!

Chris and his wife sat with me and my father at our January banquet and safety meeting. Our manager, Nathan, stood up to talk about our organization and how impressed he had been with his employees. We had some corporate people attending. As he related this story from his perspective, my eyes filled. I looked over at Chris and his wife, they were also holding back tears.

That small act of kindness touched more hearts, opened up more hope, and meant far more to me than the value of the money inside. Bless them all!

Oh - Happy Day!

So, after more than 6 months, I was finally released to return to work today. I do still have to see the doctor again in 4 months to see if have to have surgery, but I can start tomorrow if they'll let me!

I'm just waiting - after this long I'd be good at it - to find out what happens next!

It's a really happy day!

The prettiest time of year.

Right now is my favorite time of year. It's pretty. It's pretty everywhere. And this will probably be the only month all year long I can say that!

It's not too hot but it's no longer really cold. The world is turning green and I love the fragile greens of spring. The flowers are blooming, adding splashes of color. And the skies are still cloudy, accenting the peaceful greens and the showcasing the snow still high on the mountains.

This is a time of contrast. A time of new birth. I time to celebrate surviving the cold winter months.

Here, in the northern hemisphere, Spring is the time to celebrate a resurrection of earth's life from the long burial beneath ice and snow.

Don't get me wrong, I love winter! I love the storms and the snow and the beauty of winter. But Spring is definitely the prettiest time of the year!

The mini van brigade

I was asked to help my son during an art project that had the potential of being VERY messy and he tends to be messier than most. The art project went beautifully with no messes or problems and I was pretty much an unnecessary addition, other than Thomas was thrilled to have his Mommy with him!

This, however, is about my short walk home.

I left the school just before the final bell of the day. I was amazed at the mini vans lining the street filled with mothers and children waiting for the youngsters to be released from their daily educational exercises. Little ones climbed out of the side doors to play on the grass strip between the road and the sidewalk. Harried mothers watched the doors, just waiting. And then there were the lines and lines and lines in the parking lot of the church next door.

I started to laugh. This was really funny! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I have lived across from that school for five years now and I'd never noticed before the parade at going home time.

It got me thinking about my own MAW or MAV, depending on who you talked to. At one time I did drive a mini van. It was a hand-me-across from my parents who realized I didn't have a way to get around without it. I appreciated it. I drove it. A former spouse destroyed it and I haven't been looking for another one since. Basically because I am not fond of mini vans, which returns me to my MAV or MAW.

That one was my choice. The manufacturer called it a Suburban. I called it Herbie. Herbie drove himself and did not react well to people he didn't like. He would try and drive himself off the side of the road if he didn't like the driver. He didn't much care for my former spouse which is one of the reasons that Herbie has travelled on. I guess it's okay since it cost me $40 to $5o to fill him up when gas prices were low and I couldn't have afforded to fill him up last summer. I still miss him, however.

One day I took 14 small children (and probably the dog) to free school lunch and then to see X-Men at the local theater in Herbie. I used to joke that my perfect car would be a bus. Little did I realize how true that really was!

Herbie was big and got lousy gas mileage, although the 14 to 15 mpg was considered good for a vehicle that size. He also like to break down - OFTEN - practically from the day I got him. That is the other reason that Herbie has moved on. Still, there was room for people, pets, camping equipment and a good deal more in his bowels. After all, he carried 14 children and probably more than once and carried me and my brood around - including D.O.G. - regularly. When I was expecting my youngest I kept Herbie's seat all the way back and my stomach still hit the steering wheel.

I'm not sure I could have fit the mass of my hulking pregnant body behind the steering wheel of a mini van.

Mini vans are more fuel efficient if you want to carry people. I don't have anything against them. In fact, I find the mini van brigade quite amusing! I think I'll keep my eyes open for a good giggle more often!

Wuv, twoo wuv...

Not everyone has the chance to know true love. Love that goes past time and through space. Love that takes your breath away no matter how long it's been since you last spoke - five minutes or 10 years.

I have been lucky enough to know that kind of love - and more than once. Will I share details? Not now. Not here.

Yes, it's been years since I've spent any time with some of my old loves, but when I do, my heart still does flip flops and I feel like I can't breathe. I better hope they are never all in the same room together. That may be enough to kill me!

Dreams never really die...

I am nearly 45 years old. About 39 years ago I decided on what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to sing - opera. Yes, opera! The trilling high notes, the fantastic costuming - what more could I want?

I've never sung in an opera, never been invited to be in an opera company.

Until now. I volunteered but never heard anything back.

When I was younger and in better shape, I auditioned for many parts. I always managed to be in the chorus of the school musicals, but could never quite get the leads. I didn't make it into the show choir in junior high or high school. I didn't quite get the highest marks at the state vocal festival. It was very discouraging. I gave up.

When I was 26 I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. It had been a long time coming. Believe me, it was a miserable experience. It also was the gateway to a discovery that gave me new hope. It was discovered that I could not breathe through my nose. Almost all my life, in every picture, I had my mouth open. Nobody noticed, other than some of my classmates that teased me.

Nobody ever thought it was a problem until my doctor that did my tonsil surgery looked up my nose. I had surgery to open up my breathing passages. The doctor explained the chiseling process he had gone through to open up my nose on both sides. He described me as having "the bone of a bull elephant" in my nose.

Interestingly enough, suddenly my voice had changed. It didn't feel the same or sound the same when I opened my mouth to sing. I had to relearn how to sing!

Suddenly people started to take notice of my voice. I was still only in the chorus of South Pacific, but I was in the chorus and I was still in the learning stages of what to do and how to do it. I thought back on lessons from my former teacher, Jodi Hardman, and tried to implement what I could remember her telling me. I was still not feeling confident in my abilities and was willing to accept the chorus as a no big deal. It had been years and I had never been good enough. Why would it change?

Finally, after I turned 40 and had many people approach me and ask me to sing, I realized I could do it. Mostly because I didn't much care what anybody thought any more.

I had a dream. It was still there, even after all those years and all that failure.

I approached a new teacher, one I had been intimidated by, and asked if she would be willing to work with me. She got me right in. I was on the right track! Last fall I did an hour long "concert/recital" all by myself. It was one of the most invigorating experiences of my life and I have had friends ask when I'm going to do it again. Unfortunately, the sinuses and nasal passages are a vital part of voice. I am not sure where I stand since having my nose smashed and rebuilt again.

I now sing with the American Festival Chorus. I haven't given up!

The dream is alive. I have made arrangements to start voice lessons again as soon as I'm working and able. I am meeting people and getting involved in things that will put me in the right places to be able to reach my star - my dream!

Dreams never really die, they just may sleep for awhile.

Why Twitter???

I finally did it. I joined Twitter. Did me NO good. Can't log in. Can't find people I'm looking for there. Have found it to be nothing more than FRUSTRATING! And that is something I just don't need!

I'll get there. I'll figure out how to appreciate it, I guess. Or I'll just drop it!

WICKED was wickedly delightful!

How does the plot of a well-known musical stay so hush-hush?

As a surprise, my aunt and uncle bought tickets to go see Wicked for me, my children, and my parents. It was a lovely gift and absolutely delightful - even the trip to Salt Lake!

My daughters are far more familiar with the music than I am. I knew Popular and had a vague idea of what the plot was. I grew up, after all, following Judy Garland on the yellow brick road and was even around for The Wiz when it came out with its funky musical twist. I knew that it introduced Glinda and the Wicked Witch at a much younger and more impressionable age. I was far from prepared for what I got!

What a beautiful experience!

From the time the musicians began until the last note faded, the show pulled me in and kept me captivated! Before the music started, I was entranced with the huge mechanical dragon hanging above the audience and the gears that created a new focus around the proscenium. The tech crew climbing said gears and ladders were fascinating, even, since I am afraid of heights. I admit that I did something I would not have done normally - I snapped a shot of the dragon because I knew Thomas would want to see it. Note: I am not publishing said photo!

The first notes filled the hall and the action began.

Yes, with the intermission the show takes up the better part of three hours. No, it doesn't ever feel like it should have been over hours ago. In fact, it ended all too soon! I also believe both my boys, neither who enjoy sitting, would have been as taken in by the entire production as I was!

I will not share the plot any further. I will encourage anyone who is able to see it to attend at any time you can. I will be watching for my next opportunity to see it again!

First Anniversary - Last Anniversary!

This picture was taken one year ago today during our wedding ceremony in my step-daughter's dining room. It was a lovely time after a stressful day and I was actually very happy! Today is our first anniversary and tomorrow will be six months since I last spoke to my husband or had any direct contact with him. The most direct contact was when he punched me, destroying my face.

I guess I should be having a rough time today. I'm not. It seems like a lifetime ago. I can be thankful for the few good times we shared and the really great wedding cake supplied by Chrystal! And I can be thankful that the daily Hell of living with the man is over.

I learned a great deal. I changed a great deal. The woman in the photo is not the woman I am today, thankfully! With every gain there is a loss and with every loss there is a gain. I have gained more than I lost and I have grown more in a year than I would ever have imagined possible. So, today is a day I can celebrate for those reasons!

I am, regrettably, still married to the monster and I hope this is the last time I have to say that on our anniversary.

Even so, I will think of the things I gained, count my blessings, and make it through another day!